Movie Review - The Ritual (2009)

Directed by Anthony Spadaccini

This is, in all likelihood, the worst movie I've ever seen. It's about some serial killer in Delaware who videotapes his murders. However, we never once see one of these murders...we're just told about them in a series of insanely boring and horribly shot video interviews of the killer to his new young protégé.

In order to make it through this movie, I wrote down three pages of notes...As you'll see below, my mind wondered quite a bit...there are some choice quotes here...

• On American Idol, there are scenes where the parents of these kids that can't sing praise their kids and give them big heads. I wonder if the director's friends and family do this to him because this movie is shit. [Note: this note was written less than FIVE minutes in!]
• At the five minute mark: I have never wanted a movie to be over more than this one.
• There are 102 square fabric panels on the wall in House #2 at the Newark Cinema Center (Thomas will later say there are 98)
• Did the Phillies end up winning tonight? I last heard that Madsen was coming in in the 9th as the closer with the Phils maintaining a 9-8 lead (Note: they didn't win...Madsen blew it...we need someone to be a closer, dammit!)
• Saw 6 can't be worse than this.
• I want to leave so badly, but there's a fucking video camera tripod set up in the aisle so we can't get out.
• I criticize my fellow moviegoer and give him shit for answering texts during the movie, but I was begging his girlfriend to text because at least I could get peeved at that rather than stew in my frustration over this movie.
• I wish I had Swedish Fish.
• I need to buy a pair of jeans.
• "Zoot suit riot . Throw back a bottle of beer."
• That guy kind of looks like Meatloaf
• I have literally never been this B-O-R-E-D in a movie in my life.
• Yoo Hoo, Mrs. Goldberg!
• Poke out my eyes!
• Will people applaud at the end of this (we left as soon as the credits began to roll, but I heard no applause)
• Oh my God, it's only 10:37. It's only been an hour!
• My fellow moviegoer says: We really could've used that free wine they were giving away in the lobby! 
• Are police officers allowed to wear earrings? ('Cuz they do in this movie)
• I am literally looking forward to Sorority Row.
• Movies like this make a mockery of cinema
• I'm starting to fade...sleep is creeping in...eyes getting heavy...
• With so little reviews of "The Ritual," I wonder if, when I post my "review," I'll pop up on the first page of Google if you type in "movie review the ritual delaware" [Note: I do!]
  
• From my fellow moviegoer: They oughtta show this at Guantanamo
• I don't think I'm gonna write anymore...Let me give this film a chance for the last 20 minutes.
• The Partridge Family
• The Brady Bunch
• "Hey, hey, we're The Monkees!"
• I Am the Walrus

Like I said, probably the worst movie I've ever seen. The zeros that I gave out this year have been treated unfairly because they could never ever be as bad as this. I'd rather only be able to watch Miss March or Brüno (love that ümlaut!) or Dance Flick for the rest of my life than to have to watch another frame of this movie.

The RyMickey Rating: F