Movie Review - Jobs

Jobs (2013)

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Dermot Mulroney, Josh Gad, Lukas Haas, Matthew Modine, J.K. Simmons, Lesley Ann Warren, Ron Eldard, and Ahna O'Reilly

Directed by Joshua Michael Stern

***This film is currently streaming on Netflix***

The best I can say about Ashton Kutcher's portrayal of Steve Jobs is that he's at least trying.  In fact, it's so obvious he's trying that I never once felt that I was watching anything other than an aspiring thespian attempting to act and emote his way through the life story of the founder of Apple computers.  I'm sure Kutcher studied Jobs' motions, mannerisms, and dialect, but he never embodies the man -- he comes across as some lower-grade B-movie actor attempting to be older and wiser (which is pretty darn accurate to the actor Kutcher is in general).

Putting aside Kutcher's sometimes laughable performance (man, when he tries to cry, it's painfully hilarious), Jobs as a movie just isn't good either.  The film begins by delving a little bit into Jobs' personal life, but that aspect thankfully is pushed to the wayside about thirty minutes in, focusing instead on the more boring (but less corny) incorporation of Apple as a company.  From that point on, it's just a series of "battles" Jobs must duke it out amongst his colleagues as they fail to see his vision for what Apple and its computers were meant to be in his eyes.

Listen...I'm an Apple guy all the way.  I have been forever and likely always will be.  While the film did make me want to read the giant Steve Jobs biography that came out a few years ago, director Joshua Michael Stern simply doesn't have the goods to deliver here.  The film plays out very by the book (a discredit to the screenwriter as well -- Matt Whiteley in his debut) and Stern doesn't do a thing to differentiate itself from anything we've seen before.  Just when one conflict is resolved, we move on to the next one.  Scenes are bathed in appropriate lighting (dark for somber moments and glorious golden for the happier ones), coupled with soaring or pensive music in a very paint-by-numbers manner that's not the least bit innovative or imaginative.  For a film that focuses on a guy who was all about thinking outside of the box, Jobs is anything but that.

The RyMickey Rating:  D+

Movie Review - No Strings Attached

No Strings Attached (2011)

Starring Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Greta Gerwig, Lake Bell, Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Jake Johnson, and Kevin Kline

Directed by Ivan Reitman

Sometimes chick flicks surprise me (example) and sometimes they're simply failures (example).  When one just falls in the middle as No Strings Attached does, it doesn't really register with me at all.  Sure, some may take offense to the term "chick flick," but I'm classifying this as one for the sole reason that I saw Ashton Kutcher's ass but did not see Natalie Portman's.  If that doesn't shout "chick flick," I don't know what does.

Nonetheless, this tale of a guy and a girl who decide to have sex together without getting emotionally attached doesn't bring a single thing new to the genre.  Sometimes that's okay, but you've at least got to utilize the typical rom-com characteristics to the best of your ability.  Here, there's some moderately funny "best buddy" roles (played by Greta Gerwig, Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, and Jake Johnson), but they serve zero purpose in advancing any key points in the plot.  They're there simply to dole out a funny line or two, and while they were humorous at times, they could have been left on the chopping room floor and no one would have noticed.

There's the staple of the funny parent -- Kevin Kline plays Kutcher's former celebrity pop.  Unfortunately, his role contains one of my biggest movie pet peeves -- Old People Smoking Pot For Comedic Effect.  I've said it before and I'll say it again to filmmakers across the world -- a mid-fifties adult smoking pot is not funny.

And then there's the inevitable splitting up of the romantic couple only to find some way to bring them together again.  I know that this is pretty much a standard plot device and it actually works better in this flick than in some others I've seen, but it's just something that's wearing thin on me lately.  Once again, this is a rom-com standard that will never cease and I don't fault this film for it, but its charm (if it ever was charming) is waning.

Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher are fine here, but neither of them are able to elevate the mediocre material to anything above average.  For Valentine's Day this year, just stay home and throw in Sleepless in Seattle or Love, Actually.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - Killers

Killers (2010)

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Tom Selleck, and Catherine O'Hara

Directed by Robert Luketic

Good Lord...Movies this awful don't come along too often.

Seeing as how I'm not a fan of either of the two leading actors in Killers, I'm not quite sure why I rented it, but I did and I forced myself to sit through the dreck.

Honestly, it's not even really worth talking about.  The characters are poorly developed, the script is paint-by-numbers bland, and the the direction is tv Movie of the Week style.  The whole thing is a mess.  The only thing saving this from a complete and epic failure is that I was moderately entertained by Tom Selleck and Catherine O'Hara as Katherine Heigl's parents.  That said, even they were saddled with a ridiculously bad subplot by the film's end.

I mean, let's face it.  Look at the poster to the left...is there anyone who actually thinks that the movie could be good based on that?  You've got Heigl going "This is a gun...I'm a woman...How do you work this darn thing?  Teeheehee...giggle giggle."  And then you've got Kutcher going, "Who is this prissy chick?  Why am I saddled with her?  Why am I even in movies?  Doesn't anyone know I can't act?"

Avoid at all costs.

The RyMickey Rating:  D-

Movie Review - Valentine's Day (2010)

Valentine's Day (2010)

Starring Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley Maclaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift

Directed by Garry Marshall 

It's not as if ensemble movies about love can't work.  One of my favorite movies of all time is Love, Actually, and that flick is all about an ensemble's quest for love.  However, with last year's He's Just Not That Into You and this year's Valentine's Day, the ensemble romantic comedy appears to be dead in the water.  While this 2010 flick fares a little better than its 2009 counterpart, one would think that with all the star power on display here, someone could craft a decent script.

I'm not even going to go into a summary here because (as is evidenced by the incredibly long "starring" list up above) there's just too many tangential stories to discuss.  And therein lies the problem.  Too many people with too many unnecessary tales.  Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner's high school romance -- I'd nix 'em since we've already got one youthful tale starring the charming Emma Roberts, but they're appealing to the youth.  Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper's meeting on a plane -- totally pointless, but Roberts is a huge star and Cooper's star wattage is on the rise.  Shirley Maclaine and Hector Elizondo's out-of-left-field reveal of a "bombshell secret" -- who gives a damn -- oh, that's right, we need to appeal to the grandparents.

That's the problem.  The movie just wants to hit every demographic and it fails because of that.   Any positive vibes that come from actors like Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Topher Grace, Julia Roberts and her niece Emma, and (shockingly) Ashton Kutcher and George Lopez just get washed away by a horrible script.  Not that I'm necessarily one to criticize on this front, but screenwriters need to learn to edit.

And the awful script is shot so incredibly poorly by director Garry Marshall that I laughed out loud because of some of his choices.  Hey, let's put some nuns in that scene.  Throw a sign-language interpreter in there.  Let's have a girl with cerebral palsy point and yell at Ashton Kutcher because he doesn't have shoes on.  Yes, I realize that last sentence might seem callous, but these "attempts at realism" just come across as preposterous.  It honestly seemed like he had family members that he wanted to put into the movie somehow and he was going to do whatever it took to make it happen.

If you want a great romantic ensemble movie, just do yourself a favor and go with Love, Actually.  Skip this one.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - Spread (2009)

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, and Margarita Levieva
Directed by David Mackenzie

I've seen many movies this year (inching closer to 100) and in the case of the new movie Spread there's something to be said for having both the most sex scenes (showcasing a variety of positions and kinky fetishes...all I'll say is "shaving the papaya"...you imagine what that means...) and the highest boob count of the year. I just wish I could've liked the movie...

Ashton Kutcher is Nikki, a young guy who moved to L.A. and is simply living off of women...moving from woman to woman, sleeping with them, shacking up in their homes, using their credit cards, while, at the same time, sleeping with other women. His latest catch is Samantha (a surprisingly sexy Anne Heche), a lawyer who, despite realizing that Nikki is kind of mooching off of her, can't seem to let go of this boy toy who is paying her loving attention (most of the time). When Nikki's not with Samantha, he's with the younger Heather (Margarita Levieva), a female version of himself.

My biggest problem with the flick is that I felt like it didn't bring anything new to the table. From the voiceover by Nikki at the very beginning, I knew he was going to "change" by the end (sorry, did I ruin it for you?). He was going to fall in love and realize that his whorish ways were wrong. Sure, the ending didn't quite conclude the way I thought it would, but I can't really say I was surprised. I don't know if it's just that I'm so completely the antithesis of pricks like Nikki, but I find it tough to watch movies where ladies fall head over heels for these assholes (Ugly Truth is another example)...why?

Kutcher was okay, but I couldn't help but think of the Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange as Nikki strolled around wearing thin suspenders and rolled-up, cuffed jeans and pants. I just never felt like I wasn't watching him act. Same goes for Margarita Levieva...I actually thought she was fine prior to becoming the female version of Nikki, but once she became the "slutty" girl, I just didn't buy her in the role. The only person I actually enjoyed here was Anne Heche. As I said above, she was refreshingly sexy and definitely drew my attention in every scene she was in. It's a shame she went missing during the final act of the movie.

The RyMickey Rating: D