Murder on the Orient Express

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

Starring Kenneth Branagh, Penelope Cruz, Willem Dafoe, Judi Dench, Johnny Depp, Josh Gad, Derek Jacobi, Leslie Odom, Jr., Michelle Pfeiffer, and Daisy Ridley

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Michael Green

Summary (in 500 words or less): Detective Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) embarks on what should be a pleasant train ride only to discover that a murder has occurred.  The only possible culprits are those on the train and it's up to Poirot to figure out whodunit before the train reaches its destination...and before they strike again.

• Kenneth Branagh's Murder on the Orient Express feels like it could have been made decades prior to this one.  That's not a bad thing, however, in this fast-paced culture in which we live, even I feel like this one could've stood to have a bit more life injected into it.  The pace proves to be a bit too slow.
• It's fun to see a big cast like this and the film's twists and turns allow most of them to ham it up every now and again with some overly dramatic moments.  The cheesy corniness works in a film like this and isn't ever laughable, but instead adds to the overall aesthetic.  
• That said, while the actors' corniness isn't laughable, the story often is.  The plot's surprise mystery twists just end up seeming too convoluted to be even moderately believable.  Sure, the screenwriter is simply following in the footsteps of Agatha Christie's book...but that doesn't mean Agatha Christie's book was any good.  Sometimes simpler is better, but in my few experiences with Christie -- via movies, plays, or books -- she doesn't follow that mantra...and it doesn't always work with modern-day audiences.

The RyMickey Rating:  C+

Movie Review - Zoolander No. 2

Zoolander No. 2 (2016)

Starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Penélope Cruz, Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen, Kyle Mooney, Milla Jovovich, Christine Taylor, Justin Theroux, Nathan Lee Graham, Cyrus Arnold, Billy Zane, Jon Daly, Sting, and Benedict Cumberbatch

Directed by Ben Stiller

***This film is currently streaming via Amazon Prime***

There are just as many jokes that fall flat as make you laugh out loud in Zoolander No. 2, but in the end the balance works out slightly in the film's favor with the sequel to the cultish 2001 comedy proving to not be nearly as bad as the abysmal reviews would have you believe.  No one's coming to this one hoping for a great cinematic masterpiece -- all one would want is a worthy sequel to the original which I'll admit to not having seen in years, but remember having fond memories about the ludicrousness that it brought to the screen over fifteen years ago.  Fortunately, this delivers on being an amusing piece of mindless entertainment.

And boy is it mindless.  After a prologue which details in ridiculous fashion how our title character's life fell apart following the events of the first film, ex-model Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) has become a hermit after losing custody of his son (Cyrus Arnold).  In the midst of the frozen tundra that is "Extreme Northern New Jersey," Derek receives an invite to model for a prestigious new designer in Italy.  With some coaxing, he reluctantly agrees, hoping that it would look good to the child welfare agency.  However, little does Derek know that he's going to find himself in the midst of another fashion-related conspiracy hatched by the evil designer Mugatu (Will Ferrell).

There's no mistaking Zoolander No. 2 as a "good" film, but it's so ridiculously bad that it really does almost land in that "so bad, it's good" category.  It never quite gets to that territory completely, but I laughed enough that Zoolander No. 2 was a worthwhile experience for me.  Sure, it relies much too heavily on an overabundance of dumb cameos from every aspect of pop culture -- Justin Bieber, Kiefer Sutherland, Willie Nelson, Katie Perry, and Anna Wintour pop up just to name a mere few of the boatload that spout a line or two -- but for some unknown reason, I was never upset by any of them.  Instead, I embraced this film's utter corniness and accepted the absurdity.  Apparently this isn't a popular opinion, but maybe I just watched this one at the right time in order for it to work for me.

The RyMickey Rating:  C+

Movie Review - The Counselor

The Counselor (2013)

Starring Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, and Penelope Cruz

Directed by Ridley Scott

Although reviews for The Counselor were mostly negative, the positive notices it received were intriguing enough to have me check this out before Ridley Scott's film made a quick escape from theaters.  With a cast that certainly adds some good pedigree to the adult drama, I was hoping that maybe author Cormac McCarthy's screenplay (his first) would be reminiscent of the solid No Country for Old Men and The Road -- two films based on his novels.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and the fault mostly falls on McCarthy himself as he seemingly finds it difficult to create dialog that sounds genuine and authentic which causes much of the movie's scenes to feel forced and contrived.

For a film that's basis is double-crossing and drug dealing, The Counselor is surprisingly simplistic and that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Sometimes adult-driven thrillers feel that there's a need to pile on twist after twist and it's almost a welcome change that this flick takes a quieter route.  The Counselor opens with much of the background plot work already having taken place.  We meet the title character (whose name is never provided to us) played by Michael Fassbender, a lawyer in the southern US who, in need of some quick cash, agrees to assist in a massive drug trade with the help of a rich guy named Reiner (Javier Bardem).  Things quickly start to turn for the worse with the Counselor fearing for his own life as well as that of his wife (Penelope Cruz).

Although not original, the story itself works, however, as we discover within the first ten minutes of the film, the type of dialog or scenes that work in a book don't always translate to a movie and Mr. McCarthy seems to have trouble with this concept.  McCarthy absolutely has an ear for slick verbiage, but it seems more suited to the page, coming off as stilted and uncomfortable when spoken.  It's unfortunate because there are flashes of brilliance at times when it comes to what is being said and how McCarthy intriguingly spins words, but I couldn't help but think as I was watching the film that people never speak like this to one another and that makes things feel fake.

For the most part, the actors do their best with the dialog and try to make things work.  Michael Fassbender continues to impress and is truly becoming an actor that will draw me to his movies.  Javier Bardem also does a nice job of playing Reiner, a smarmy guy with both an edge and a heart of gold and I enjoyed his interactions with Fassbender in particular.  However, Cameron Diaz as Reiner's girlfriend nearly ruins the goodwill created by these actors.  She, in particular, is completely unable to wrap her lips around the tricky dialog she's forced to spout and she decides to simply enunciate everything as clearly as possible -- perhaps as a character choice or perhaps to pretend she actually understands what she's saying.  Rather than exude sexiness -- which her character is clearly supposed to do -- she comes off laughable.

While it's clear The Counselor doesn't work, I'm happy I watched it.  I wouldn't recommend it, but it's an interesting failure.  Director Ridley Scott has created a slick adult thriller filled with violence and sex -- there's a scene with Cameron Diaz on the hood of a car that I likely soon won't forget -- but it never comes together.  The film looks fantastic (kudos to cinematographer Dariusz Wolski), but it can't overcome McCarthy's clunky tale which I'd love to read as a novel, but would rather not have seen on a movie screen.

The RyMickey Rating: D+

Movie Review - To Rome with Love

To Rome with Love (2012)

Starring Woody Allen, Alec Baldwin, Roberto Begnini, Penélope Cruz, Judy Davis, Jesse Eisenberg, Greta Gerwig, Allison Pill, and Ellen Page

Directed by Woody Allen

There's part of me that's happy that Woody Allen somehow manages to still make a film a year.  [Trivia tidbit:  1981 is the last year he hasn't had a film released...that's a shocking feat.]  Even if his previous one was a clunker, producers still shell out the money for the 77-year-old auteur to write and direct.  Coming fresh off the heels of his biggest financial success in decades Midnight in Paris (a film which I didn't fawn over nearly as much as everyone else), Allen sticks with the European travelogue motif he's explored as of late jetting off to Italy in To Rome with Love.  Admittedly, I was a bit surprised that this venture is comprised of four completely separate shorter films that Allen edits by intercutting them scene by scene.  I initially thought the storylines would come together, but they don't.  Instead, it's four incredibly simple plots that happen to take place in Rome, but never once glorify it or paint the city in the same adoring light in which Allen viewed Paris in his last film.  And, rather unfortunately, none of the stories prove to be engaging enough to make you want Allen to head back to them as soon as he switches to another tale.

The film opens with Hayley (Allison Pill), an American visiting Rome alone, soon after graduating college.  When she gets lost one day, she asks an Italian hunk named Michelangelo (Flavio Parenti) for directions and the two immediately hit it off, finding themselves engaged after a very short time.  Hayley's parents Jerry and Phyllis (Woody Allen and Judy Davis) make the trek over to Italy to meet Michaelangelo and his folks.  Jerry was a former music executive and happens to hear Michelangelo's father Giancarlo (Italian opera singer Fabio Armilato) singing in the shower causing the American to concoct a crazy idea to make this singing funeral home owner into an overnight operatic sensation.

We then meet Leopoldo (Roberto Begnini) in his ho-hum, boring desk job.  He's got a wife and kids whom he loves, but he lives a life of very little excitement until one day out of the blue, Leopoldo begins to be followed around by paparazzi.  They track his every move and he becomes an instant celebrity throughout Italy.

There's also a newly married Italian couple Antonio and Milly (Alessandro Tiberi and Alessandra Mastronardi) traveling to the big city so the husband can try his hand at filmmaking with his inside-the-industry relatives.  However, when Milly leaves their hotel room to get her hair done, the voluptuous Anna (Penelope Cruz) arrives -- a prostitute who has been sent to Antonio's room by accident. When Antonio's relatives (who had never met his new one) barge into the room while Anna is beginning to work her magic on Antonio, the young Italian is forced to pretend that Anna is his wife, much to his chagrin.

Finally, there's another love story, this one involving Americans Jack and Sally (Jesse Eisenberg and Greta Gerwig) who are living in Rome while Sally attends college.  When Sally's friend Monica (Ellen Page) comes to visit from the States, Jack begins to fall for her despite his best efforts.  The supposedly funny bit here is that Jack seemingly has a sometimes-visible self conscious in the room with him in the form of Alec Baldwin who tries to steer Jack in the right and moral direction.

On their own, the individual films may have been cute for about ten minutes a piece, but each is unfortunately drawn out to seemingly interminable lengths.  While the film only runs two hours, all of the stories felt like they could have wrapped up much quicker and the movie would've worked a lot better with much trimming.  It isn't exactly helpful that the acting is simply okay with much of the talent (Eisenberg, Baldwin, Allen, Begnini, Page) simply playing characters we've seen them play before...in better movies.

So, despite the fact that Woody Allen continues to get the dough to make his films, maybe that money could be better spent elsewhere so Allen could take a little bit of a breather to better organize his thoughts.

The RyMickey Rating:  D+

Movie Review - Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Starring Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, and Ian McShane

Directed by Rob Marshall

After the absolutely dismal third chapter in the Pirates series, At World's End, it wasn't going to take much to make the fourth film better.  Fortunately, On Stranger Tides leaves the dankness and crazed mysticism aside (for the most part) and after an incredibly shaky opening hour during which at one point I turned to my brother and said "this is godawful and painful," the film actually becomes pretty entertaining and fulfills its mission of being a decent action-comedy.

As is the case with all of these Pirates films, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) manages to input himself into some scheme to gain access/control/possession of some mystical object -- in this case the Fountain of Youth -- and partakes in some double-crossing to get what he wants.  In this fourth film, the writers thankfully cast aside the dead weight of Keira Knightley's Elizabeth Swann and Orlando Bloom's Will Turner and place the focus solely on Jack Sparrow and his relationship with former partner-in-crime/"lover" Angelica (played gamely by Penelope Cruz).  Whereas in the past, I felt too much Jack Sparrow might wear thin, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that this may have been my favorite movie for Johnny Depp as Sparrow.  I genuinely liked his wordplay with Cruz's Angelica and found the duo quite appealing, bringing a sexy vibe to the flick that we haven't seen in the previous films.

While Depp and Cruz certainly helped elevate the film, for some reason, the writers felt the need to input some inane romance into the mix between two newly introduced characters -- "man of the cloth" Philip (Sam Claflin) and mermaid Serena (Astrid Berges-Frisby).  This forced love story by these one-note actors was so bland (particularly when placed against the witty lovey-dovey bickering between Depp and Cruz), it made Knightley and Bloom seem like amazing thespians.

Of course, without the mermaids in the mix, we wouldn't have been treated to what might possibly be the most exciting action sequence yet in a Pirates film.  The introduction of the mermaids about an hour into the movie kicked this movie into high gear and it never really stopped its momentum.  Prior to that, On Stranger Tides seemed like a lesser retread of the first Pirates flick, even going so far as to seemingly re-create the very first action sequence in that first movie when Sparrow fights Will Turner in his shop/warehouse, climbing up to the rafters amidst seemingly endless swordplay.  Honestly, this flick was kind of unbearable in the first hour simply because I couldn't help but feel like every single thing reeked of a "been there, done that" sensation.

In the end, it's kind of a shame that nearly half of the film doesn't work (and doesn't work so badly) because the half that does work is actually some of the best the Pirates series has to offer.  Yes, there are certainly problems that the writers will have to work out in the upcoming movies (for starters, there's no need to continue telling us about the love story between the religious man and the mermaid), but there's an excellent base to build off with the amusing connection between Depp and Cruz and I've got to say that despite the rating below, I'm actually looking forward to the next flick.

The RyMickey Rating:  C+

Movie Review - Nine (2009)

Starring Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penélope Cruz, Judi Dench, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, and Sophia Loren
Directed by Rob Marshall

As of this writing, Nine (not 9, the other 2009 release with the same title) is a conundrum to me. The more that I think of it (it's been settling in for about four hours now), the more I like it. In fact, I'm beginning to truly appreciate Rob Marshall's take on the Broadway musical which itself is a take on Frederico Fellini's 1963 film 8 1/2 (which, like most Italian cinema, I haven't seen...I'm not remotely familiar with the Broadway musical either). There's something really good here -- I think a huge chunk of the "good" lies in Marshall's direction. Unfortunately, there's some bad here, too, and that lies in the music behind the musical. When the music in your musical is lukewarm, it casts an unfortunate pallor over the whole affair and that seems to be the case here.

Guido Contini (Day-Lewis) is a famous Italian film director in the 1960s. He's in the midst of directing his latest film, the ambitious Italia, when he begins to have a mid-life crisis-type occurrence. The film he's making is somewhat autobiographical -- his take on how great women can affect a great man -- and Guido begins to think back on seven important women in his life (why not nine women? I have not clue). For some reason or another (this is a musical after all), all of these flashbacks occur with the ladies singing a song about their relationship with Guido.

Similar to Marshall's previous big screen musical, Chicago, in which the musical numbers were figments of characters' imaginations, all of the songs in Nine take place in Guido's mind. While this theatrical device works, I must admit that it took me a bit to warm up to the technique, but three songs in or so, I was on the bandwagon with Marshall. It helps that Marshall utilizes a variety of techniques during these flashbacks. While he overuses the quick cut, I appreciated how a few flashbacks were in beautiful black-and-white, really creating that old Italian film look (or that old Italian film look I've seen in clip retrospectives since, as I mentioned above, I'm quite unfamiliar with Italian cinema).

The burden of the film seems to be that the music just isn't all that good. Black-Eyed Peas singer Fergie actually has the most memorable and catchy song by far -- "Be Italian" -- and she performs it with zest. Kate Hudson sings "Cinema Italiano" which was apparently specifically written for the film and this number is also upbeat, whimsical, and enjoyable. I must admit that I never really got the love affair with Penélope Cruz's looks prior to this film, however she was completely sexy and alluring in her song (it's unfortunate that she's burdened with a silly subplot throughout the film). Judi Dench, Sophia Loren, and Nicole Kidman unfortunately come off the worst here, with Loren and Kidman being stuck with the worst songs by far in the flick (both of which come towards the end of the film, bringing the film to a halt after it had been on somewhat of an uptick).

By far, the shining star of the women here is Marion Cotillard. As Guido's wife, she gets to sing two songs, both of which, to me, contain the heart, soul, and emotional center of the film. As she longs for her husband to be faithful, she realizes that she's probably fighting a losing battle. Her "My Husband Makes Movies" was just heartbreaking and she sells it.

Daniel Day-Lewis is perfectly adequate and believable as the man-slut of the film. While I don't really think he learns his lesson in the end, I bought Day-Lewis as this sleazy director. But even though the film's center is his Guido, the film really belongs to the women in his life and Marshall rightly puts the focus on them.

I really think that this is a film that I will grow to appreciate more on repeated viewings. For now, though, I'm going to say Nine's a flawed picture. Rob Marshall certainly moves the episodic film along, but, in the end, it's really just that -- an episodic film that goes from woman to woman in Guido's life, giving each of them a song to sing with several of those songs being lukewarm at the very best.

The RyMickey Rating: C+

Movie Review - G-Force 3D (2009)

Starring Bill Nighy, Will Arnett, and Zach Galifianakis

Featuring the voices of Nicolas Cage, Sam Rockwell, Penélope Cruz, Jon Favreau, Tracy Morgan, and Steve Buscemi

Written by The Wibberleys

Directed by Hoyt Yeatman

What happens when your movie, which for the first 60 minutes is ridiculously dumb and can completely be summed up in a single sentence [FBI-trained guinea pigs try to stop an "evil villain" from taking over the world], throws you an ending out of left field that actually makes sense and somehow makes the movie end on a good note? How do you rate this movie which, while still insanely childish, actually created an intelligent ending?

And then, how do you rate the movie when its 3D aspects are the best 3D you've seen at your local cineplex? How much emphasis gets placed on the surprisingly good 3D effects?

That's the conundrum I'm in right now. G-Force isn't a good movie -- I think there were five "bathroom humor" jokes within the span of five minutes and nothing will turn me off of a movie quicker than ill-placed fart jokes. However, despite the fact that the ending was guessed by someone about 45 minutes in, the "twist" is actually pretty damn ingenious...especially for a kid's movie. While the nifty ending doesn't negate the rest of the awfulness, it certainly raises the bar a little bit.

Also, like I mentioned above, the 3D effects were actually quite good. Admittedly, we changed up our seating position for this 3D movie, choosing to sit in the front rather than in the back which may have made a significant impact in how the effects worked. That being said, the producers/directors decided to do something I hadn't seen in a 3D flick before...when you watch the movie, it's as if you're watching something in a widescreen format on your television. There are black bars at the top and bottom of the film. Periodically, throughout the movie, things will pop out above and below into the black bars, creating a 3D-ish effect. It actually worked really well and, in my opinion, was rather an ingenious way of creating the 3D effect. This is the first 3D movie I wouldn't have been disappointed in had I paid for it.

Still, despite the neat ending and good 3D, the flick was below average. Guinea pigs making pop culture references are not my idea of humor (Ha! That guinea pig made a Macguyver and Jamba Juice joke! Hilarity!). So, I still find myself in the conundrum of how to rate this. I'm going to go with the grade below because I truly did enjoy the ending and, like I said above, there's something to be said for this being the best 3D I've seen in a theatrical release yet.

The RyMickey Rating: C

Movie Review - Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

**Available on DVD**
Starring Javier Bardem, Penélope Cruz, Scarlett Johannson, and Rebecca Hall
Written and directed by Woody Allen

This was honestly the first time I saw Scarlett Johannson onscreen and found her attractive. Unfortunately for Scarlett, I found relative newcomer Rebecca Hall much more beautiful to look at.

Hall and Johannson are Vicky and Cristina, friends who are visiting Barcelona for the summer (hence the title). While there, they meet artist Juan Antonio, who manages to seduce both ladies and lure them both into bed with him (though not at the same time, much to his chagrin). To Vicky's dismay, Juan Antonio chooses to spend his time with Cristina because Juan Antonio does not want to step between Vicky and her fiancé. Add Juan Antonio's ex-wife (Academy Award winner Penélope Cruz) to the mix and it's one big love fest with everyone sleeping with everyone.

Surprisingly, Woody has created quite an interesting movie here. Sure, everyone's kind of shallow and I don't quite get the "love the one you're with" mentality, but Woody made me not hate these people for cheating on one another. (Then again, is it really cheating when the people that you're cheating with are okay with the fact that you're cheating?)

Acting is top notch here...especially the two titular roles. Rebecca Hall is a find, for sure, and I hope to see her in many other things. Scarlett Johannson has been incredibly weak onscreen to me after her star-making role in Lost in Translation. Here, Woody is able to draw out a naturalness from her that is very refreshing. Javier Bardem is the perfect ladies' man and -- I don't know why -- but I could see why these ladies would be hanging all over this sleazy guy. While I'm not quite sure Penélope Cruz was worthy of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar (I feel like that should've gone to Viola Davis of Doubt), she was quite good...the best I've seen her actually. And, the movie has a narrator! And that narration works! I loved that fact! (Why, I have no idea.)

In the end, the movie's about nothing and the characters are all kind of unpleasant and moody, but Woody keeps the flick moving at a quick pace and he shoots it in such a manner that the sights of Barcelona and the people inhabiting the city look stunning. So, overall, it wasn't a bad moviegoing experience...One of the better Woody Allen movies I've seen.

The RyMickey Rating: B