Movie Review - The Collector (2009)

Starring No One You Know
Written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan
Directed by Marcus Dunstan

Some thief breaks into some family's house to steal some money. Unfortunately for him, someone else has already broken into the house, taken the family hostage, and booby trapped the place for some reason that is unknown. Why, if you've already taken the family hostage, would you need to booby trap the whole house? Are you expecting someone else to show up? What's the point? And how in the hell do you set up these elaborate traps in a span of no more than eight hours?

There's no logic in this movie whatsoever. Granted, there's no logic in a lot of slasher flicks, but at least in those movies you get to witness the "kills." In this movie, the direction is so horrific that you can't tell what the hell is going on. There were aforementioned booby traps that did (apparently) crazy things to people (like impale them on walls with multiple spiky implements), but the director had so many freaking cuts that you couldn't tell what the hell was going on. And then the shots that he left in were laughable. There was not a modicum of suspense here. I mean, even in a shitty horror movie like My Bloody Valentine, there were at least moments of tension. There is not a single moment of anxiety or dread in this flick. Without a doubt, the worst directed movie I've seen in ages. Apparently this was Mr. Dunstan's first time directing, and if I have any say in it, it'll be his last. (So take that, Mr. Dunstan! Me and my four readers will revolt against your shitty direction!)

I'll be honest...about halfway through, I was wondering whether it was really on the same level of awfulness as Miss March or Transformers or Brüno (there's that umlaut again!). Then, another 15 minutes went by and I realized that there wasn't a single damn thing I could pick out and say that I liked about it. Not the acting. Not the story. Not the costumes. Not the set design. Not the lighting (I'm not gonna even go there...when even the lighting is awful [and it was horrendous], you know you're in trouble). Nothing to like.

I've never seen a movie in the Saw franchise all the way through, but the guys that wrote this wrote a few of the Saw flicks. If this movie is any indication of their talent, how in the hell is the Saw franchise a success? And where do I sign up to make millions of dollars for writing shitty movies?

The RyMickey Rating: F