Movie Review - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Starring Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston, Jonathan Pryce, Rachel Nichols, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Written by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot
Directed by Stephen Sommers

So we're into August and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is going to be the last "big" action movie (I guess there's Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, but I don't know if that'll fall into the same "category"). We've seen one great action flick in these past four months (The Hurt Locker), two good ones (Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation), one less than average one (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), and one of the worst movies I've seen this entire year (Transformers 2). Where does G.I. Joe fall? It's filled with some really crappy CGI stuff, incredibly stupid dialogue, and two of the worst acting performances I've seen this year...but it's not even close to Transformers levels of heinousness.

Some evil mastermind has created these nanobots (or something like that) that eat away at everything they touch, effectively destroying both living and non-living things. He plans to release them in order to gain power...same old stuff any other evil mastermind plots to do. The G.I. Joe team of special agents is going to stop him. There's more story than that (an unrequited romance, a brother-sister relationship, two Ninja Warriors who hate each other), but none of that matters despite the fact that the filmmakers try to make us think it's important.

And the reason none of that matters is because the whole point of this movie is simply to move from one action sequence to the next. And there were several action-filled sequences in this movie that completely throw logic and reality to the wayside...which is fine, but after the second such scene, it gets old quickly. And when your action sequences are so blatantly CGI'ed, it bums me out.

As far as the acting goes, there's nothing really good to say. Red-haired Rachel Nichols (who I remember thinking was hot on Alias when she took over for a pregnant Jennifer Garner) and the blond and brunette Sienna Miller were both a treat for the eyes, but I wouldn't exactly call them good actresses (sorry, ladies, but I think you were aware of that when you signed onto this and got fitted for the skintight gear). Marlon Wayans is the Silly Black Guy. Christopher Eccelston is Diabolical Evil Mastermind (complete with Token Foreign Accent -- this time, Celtic!). Joseph Gordon-Levitt is okay in a role that is quite different for him, but he was certainly directed to be over-the-top and oddly shaky and twittery.

And then there's two of the worst acting performances I've seen this year -- Dennis Quaid is horrifically awful as the head of the G.I. Joe "branch." I actually really like Quaid most of the time (he's my mom's favorite actor, so there's some family loyalty there, I guess), but his stereotypical gruff Army guy was just dumb. The less that can be said about the lead actor in this movie, Channing Tatum, the better. He is so emotionless and vacant onscreen...and he needs to open his frickin' mouth when he talks instead of just mumbling. Mumbling doesn't equal "Tough Guy." Oh, and there's a ridiculous cameo for some completely unknown reason by my favorite actor working today (please note the sarcasm) -- Brendan Fraser.

So I've pretty much bashed this thing completely, but it's definitely not the worst thing I've seen this year by a longshot. In terms of those action movies listed above, it falls below Wolverine, but way above Transformers. It's just mindless and silly and stupid (a la Crank: High Voltage but not nearly at that level of ridiculosity) and, while I wouldn't recommend it, if you've got a choice between this and Transformers, Funny People, The Collector, or Aliens in the Attic which are all currently in wide release, this is better than those...how's that for a ringing endorsement?

The RyMickey Rating: D+