Movie Review - Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages (2012)

Starring Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Malin Akerman, Mary J. Blige, Bryan Cranston, Alec Baldwin, and Tom Cruise

Directed by Adam Shankman

Movies don't get much worse than Rock of Ages, one of the most dreadful films I've seen in a long time.     There's a line in Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" which is sung two or three times in this musical that says "the movie never ends / it goes on and on and on and on," and, boy, does this movie seem an interminable mess.  I'm legitimately not sure why I watched the whole thing except to say that I knew within the first ten minutes that this was going to be the worst movie of 2012 and I needed to at least be able to have seen the movie that warranted that ignominious prize.

Somehow or another, this melange of horrible '80s rock music has been running on Broadway since 2009 and it's still going strong.  With a paper thin plot involving "small town girl" Sherrie (Julianne Hough) who moves to L.A. to make it in the music industry only to find that life is more difficult than she could have imagined, Rock of Ages throws in a bunch of perfunctory characters to try and round out the tale.  Of course, Sherrie falls in love almost immediately upon arrival with Drew (Diego Boneta), an aspiring rock star who works at the iconic rock venue The Bourbon Room run by Lonny (Russell Brand) and Dennis (Alec Baldwin) whose "witty" repartee proves groan-inducing.  The Bourbon Room is unfortunately a bit behind in paying their taxes and Dennis formulates a deal for aging rock star and nonsensical alcoholic druggie Stacie Jaxx (Tom Cruise) to play a solo performance at the establishment, much to the chagrin of the new L.A. mayor (Bryan Cranston) and his bitchy wife Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones), the latter of whom is on a mission to "sanitize" the city by ridding it of its bars and strip clubs.

But since bars, strip clubs, alcohol, and rock and roll are totally tubular (there's an '80s term that thankfully faded), screw the government and rock on!  At least, that's what we're supposed to feel.  Instead, I just longed for this movie to come to a close.  Filled with some of the worst performances of the year (Mary J. Blige should never get another acting job after this), there's nothing even remotely positive to latch onto.  I thought maybe Tom Cruise who is certainly taking on a different role in Stacie Jaxx than we've seen from him before might at least provide some amusement in hamming it up for the screen, but instead I just felt bad for him to be involved in this dreck.  The two leads in Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta actually come out of this the most unscathed simply because their characters were the most "normal," and despite looking all doe-eyed and innocent for much of the film, neither were given embarrassing moments to undertake like the rest of their fellow cast members.

Director Adam Shankman who did a rather brilliant job with the amusing and cheerful Hairspray several years ago should've known better.  The film jolts back and forth between its various characters too much and the musical numbers are filmed rather blandly, lacking any imagination or creativity.  I don't think you could pay me enough money to watch Rock of Ages again.  Painful...just painful...

The RyMickey Rating:  F