Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)

Starring Eddie Redmayne, Katherine Waterston, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Ezra Miller, Zoë Kravitz, Callum Turner, Claudia Kim, William Nadylam, Jude Law, and Johnny Depp

Directed by David Yates

Written by J.K. Rowling

Summary (in 500 words or less):  The evil Grindelwald (Johnny Depp) escapes from custody while being transported from the USA back to Europe.  He settles down in Paris and prepares his evil wizards to stand up to the rules set forth by the wizarding world while also attempting to track down the young Credence Barebone (Ezra Miller) whose powers are some of the strongest known to wizards.  Meanwhile, Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) and Tina Goldstein (Katherine Waterston) try and track him down.

Click here for my Letterboxd review

The RyMickey Rating: C-

Murder on the Orient Express

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

Starring Kenneth Branagh, Penelope Cruz, Willem Dafoe, Judi Dench, Johnny Depp, Josh Gad, Derek Jacobi, Leslie Odom, Jr., Michelle Pfeiffer, and Daisy Ridley

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Michael Green

Summary (in 500 words or less): Detective Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) embarks on what should be a pleasant train ride only to discover that a murder has occurred.  The only possible culprits are those on the train and it's up to Poirot to figure out whodunit before the train reaches its destination...and before they strike again.

• Kenneth Branagh's Murder on the Orient Express feels like it could have been made decades prior to this one.  That's not a bad thing, however, in this fast-paced culture in which we live, even I feel like this one could've stood to have a bit more life injected into it.  The pace proves to be a bit too slow.
• It's fun to see a big cast like this and the film's twists and turns allow most of them to ham it up every now and again with some overly dramatic moments.  The cheesy corniness works in a film like this and isn't ever laughable, but instead adds to the overall aesthetic.  
• That said, while the actors' corniness isn't laughable, the story often is.  The plot's surprise mystery twists just end up seeming too convoluted to be even moderately believable.  Sure, the screenwriter is simply following in the footsteps of Agatha Christie's book...but that doesn't mean Agatha Christie's book was any good.  Sometimes simpler is better, but in my few experiences with Christie -- via movies, plays, or books -- she doesn't follow that mantra...and it doesn't always work with modern-day audiences.

The RyMickey Rating:  C+

Movie Review - Mortdecai

Mortdecai (2015)

Starring Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Bettany, Ewan McGregor, and Olivia Munn

Directed by David Koepp

***This film is currently streaming on Amazon Prime***

I'm not sure movies can come worse that Mortdecai.  A purported comedy, not only did I not laugh once, but I never even found a smile forming on my face.  Johnny Depp is the title character -- an art dealer, but also a bit of a deviant conniver, willing to be a bit unscrupulous in order to try and save his vast English countryside estate from going under due to back taxes.  When an assailant kills an art restorer and steals a priceless painting, Inspector Alistair Martland (Ewan McGregor) enlists Mortdecai's help to try and track the painting.

The problem with Mortdecai - and it's a major problem - is that the film is a jumbled mess in tone and style.  I guess one would call it a spoof of a heist flick, but director David Koepp's cinematic mess never once finds its footing.  There are mild attempts at sex comedy that fall undeniably flat, seemingly in place only to gain the film an R-rating, but even they are so childishly risqué that it seems incomprehensible that the filmmakers felt like a R-rating was the way to go with this one (which is perhaps why you can watch a PG-13 version on Amazon Prime as well).  Action sequences feel out of place and poorly staged, lacking any semblance of excitement.  Dramatic moments are played for laughs which, since this is a spoof, could have been fine, but they play out with excruciatingly mind-numbingly idiocy.

Depp plays Mortdecai so incredibly over-the-top when compared to the rest of the cast (who only play things somewhat over-the-top) that he stands out like a "character" amongst more "real" people which is never a good thing.  Everything about his performance and everything about the movie is so heinously misguided by the director and the screenwriter that after twenty minutes, I desperately wanted to turn it off, but willed myself onward so I could finalize my Worst Films of 2015 list.

I could go on with this one, but quite frankly, I'm already so irritated that I've allowed my life to spend so much time dealing with this one.  Mortdecai is undeniably one of the worst films I've ever reviewed on this blog.

The RyMickey Rating:  F

Movie Review - Black Mass

Black Mass (2015)

Starring Johnny Depp, Joel Edgerton, Benedict Cumberbatch, Rory Cochrane, Jesse Plemons, Dakota Johnson, Kevin Bacon, Peter Sarsgaard, David Harbour, Adam Scott, Julianne Nicholson, and Corey Stall

Directed by Scott Cooper

With an impressive cast, Black Mass is a solid mob pic that's impressively shot, but lacks a real riveting storyline.  That isn't to say that Black Mass is particularly boring, but it didn't quite lure me in as much as I wanted despite very good above- and below-the-line aspects.

Johnny Depp tackles the lead role in this true story as James "Whitey" Bulger, brother to state senator Billy (Benedict Cumberbatch) and also one of South Boston's nastiest and violent criminals from the 1970s through the 1990s.  Not only a crime boss, Whitey ends up being "recruited" by FBI agent (and childhood friend) John Connelly (Joel Edgerton) to be an informant, spilling beans on other crime gangs throughout Boston.  As the film details a variety of Whitey's crimes, we also witness his ability to twist things in his favor, most evident by the coercing of Agent Connelly into allowing crimes to be committed with the agent's knowledge.  This manipulation (to which Connelly knowingly acquiesces) makes up some of the best aspects of the film.

Much has been made of Johnny Depp's performance which finally brings the actor back to a serious role after many years of comedy, action, or Tim Burton-esque weirdness.  The praise is warranted with Depp pretty darn scary as the headstrong, violent, and downright nasty Bulger.  He's matched by a solid supporting cast none of which give a bad performance, but none of which can really hold a candle to the admittedly electric charisma Depp has onscreen even behind his character's somewhat harrowing make-up job.

While good, Black Mass never quite reaches levels of greatness.  There's a been there-done that quality that make the film feel not quite as unique as I'd have liked.  Director Scott Cooper does a solid job here, but the film feels as if it meanders a bit in the middle and its conclusion involving the uncovering of some of Agent Connelly's actions doesn't quite land as satisfyingly as expected.  Overall, it's a bit rote and by-the-book, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just doesn't get me overly excited about the piece as a whole.

The RyMickey Rating:  B-

Movie Review - Tusk

Tusk (2014)

Starring Michael Parks, Justin Long, Genesis Rodriguez, Haley Joel Osment, and Johnny Depp

Directed by Kevin Smith

***This film is currently streaming on Amazon Prime***

While I've never seen The Human Centipede, I have to imagine that Kevin Smith saw that infamous horror film and figured he could do better.  With Tusk, he attempts the horror-comedy genre after a pretty successful attempt at straight horror with 2011's Red State.  Here, successful L.A.-based podcaster Wallace Bryton (Justin Long) travels to Manitoba, Canada, to interview a YouTube sensation for his show.  Upon arrival, his interviewee has died, leading Wallace to a bar to drown his sorrows where he comes across an ad seemingly written by an old man who has spent his years on the sea with stories to tell searching for someone to rent a room at his house.  Desperate to not return home with nothing, Wallace decides to head two hours away and interview the seafarer.

Upon arrival, Howard Howe (Michael Parks) seems like a hoot of an old man with stories to tell about his time in WWII fighting alongside Ernest Hemingway or the time his ship was all but destroyed leading him to swim to a little spit of land with only a walrus as his companion.  Wallace is certainly intrigued by Howard's stories and the old man confined to a wheelchair seems harmless enough.  However, as Wallace drinks down some tea, he soon discovers that his beverage has been spiked.  When he awakens, Wallace realizes that Howard's time spent with that walrus may have formed a rather disturbing bond for which Howard will stop at nothing to have again.

Michael Parks who was so good in Red State doesn't quite match his performance in his last Smith film, but he certainly gives a valiant effort.  His role here doesn't have nearly the depth of the crazed preacher he inhabited so well before, but Parks can certainly play scary.  Justin Long is playing a bit of a jerk here, but once horrible things start happening to him, his fear is palpable.  The surprise in Tusk is Genesis Rodriguez as Wallace's girlfriend who actually has a few emotional scenes that ring quite true amidst the insanity that is going on around her.  Also, it's nice to see Haley Joel Osment coming back into the movie fray again.

Tusk isn't particularly good filmmaking -- its a bit too wry and self-deprecating for its own good -- but I must admit that I was never bored and I found the whole thing oddly intriguing.  Obviously, writer-director Kevin Smith was going for the absurd and in the film's final act things do begin to shift a little too over the top, but the build-up to that point does surprisingly contain a nice amount of tension.  Still, the tonal imbalances hurt this one a bit as it never quite finds its footing.

The RyMickey Rating:  C

Movie Review - Into the Woods

Into the Woods (2014)

Starring James Corden, Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick, Meryl Streep, Lilla Crawford, Daniel Huttlestone, Chris Pine, Tracey Ullman, Christine Baranski, Tammy Blanchard, Lucy Punch, Billy Magnussen, Mackenzie Mauzy, and Johnny Depp

Directed by Rob Marshall

Note: The Disney Discussion will return soon.  In its stead, a review of Disney's latest fairy tale musical -- in live action form this time around.

"Once upon a time in a far off kingdom, there lay a small village at the edge of the woods.  And in this village lived a young maiden, a carefree young lad, and a childless baker with his wife."  The opening line of Into the Woods sets up a broad view of composer/lyricist Stephen Sondheim and playwright James Lapine's Broadway classic, but the film delves deeper into a world where some of the most well-known fairy tale characters interact with one another popping up into each others' familiar stories and creating some havoc.  Director Rob Marshall does a fantastic job allowing each character's storyline to shine, giving life to Sondheim's tricky lyrical melodies, and creating a film that flows effortlessly from one tale to another.

We have Cinderella (Anna Kendrick) whose evil stepmother (Christine Baranski) and nasty stepsisters (Tammy Blanchard and Lucy Punch) won't allow her to attend the Royal Ball of the Prince (Chris Pine).  Then there's Jack (Daniel Huttlestone) of Jack and the Beanstalk fame whose mother (Tracy Ullman) forces her son to sell his only friend -- Milky White, a cow -- in order to add to their measly income.  The third storyline deals with a Baker (James Corden) and His Wife (Emily Blunt) who have heretofore been unable to conceive a child.  They discover in the film's opening song, however, that the haggard and ugly Witch (Meryl Streep) has placed a spell on the Baker and His Wife which the couple can break if they bring her "the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, and the slipper as pure as gold" before three midnights pass.  Add in Little Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford), Rapunzel (Mackenzie Mauzy), a giant, and a horny wolf (Johnny Depp) and you've got a menagerie of characters.

The Baker, His Wife, and their plight are the impetus of much of the film's plot as they weave in and out of the various other characters' story lines in order to retrieve the objects from their Witch-sponsored scavenger hunt.  The first half of the film generally follows the familiar fairy tales in their typical fashion, however, as the flick progresses, things start to take a dark turn with these tried and true characters forced to do things that we typically aren't used to seeing them have to undertake.  Ultimately, Sondheim and Lapine seem to be telling us that life can't always be a fairy tale, but we still have to face the good and bad times in the best way we know how.  Yes, these are fractured fairy tales, but they're interesting twists on classics.

Sondheim's songs aren't exactly hummable and with the exception of the title number, you may very well not remember any of them upon the film's conclusion.  However, that's not necessarily a bad thing.  The film is filled to the brim with singing and the numbers flow effortlessly into one another and that's certainly attributed to Sondheim's songs, Lapine's book/screenplay, and Rob Marshall's direction.  Marshall isn't exactly a prolific director, but this is certainly his best film since his Chicago debut.  The film appears richly atmospheric (kudos to the costume and production designers) and places its audience squarely in the titular woods.

Sondheim's lyrics are a tricky beast to wrap your tongue around, but the cast gamely takes on the task of giving life to his words (and his uniquely syncopated rhythms).  James Corden and Emily Blunt are charming, witty, and carry the film admirably.  Lilla Crawford and Daniel Hiddleston are exactly what their young characters need to be -- adventurous, yet longing for guidance.  Meryl Streep hardly ever delivers a bad performance and this is no exception.  Award worthy?  I'm not quite sure, but she doesn't disappoint in the slightest.  Two of the film's best moments, however, belong to Anna Kendrick and Chris Pine whose romantic relationship as Cinderella and her Prince isn't exactly the epitome of perfection.  As Cinderella flees the ball, time stands still and Kendrick sings a lovely tune about how she's unsure of what she wants for her life.  Pine also gets a similarly-themed number about longing, although his slimy, though utterly charismatic and charming Prince has quite a different spin on his wishes and desires.

I will admit that I was expecting to be a little let down by Into the Woods.  Musicals are tough sells sometimes, often feeling hokey or corny unless the right tone is set right at the film's open.  However, from the opening two minutes, I could tell that Marshall was giving us a piece that wasn't ashamed of the notion that it was a musical.  It embraced the genre and, in turn, is the best live action musical since The Muppets in 2011.

It should be noted that I've been holding off writing this review for over a week now.  This is one of those movies that I really liked, yet can't quite get comfortable with expressing my thoughts on it.  Don't let my bland review (which flows so disappointingly for my taste) discourage you from seeing this one.

The RyMickey Rating:  B+

Movie Review - Transcendence

Transcendence (2014)

Starring Johnny Depp, Rebecca Hall, Paul Bettany, Cillian Murphy, Kate Mara, Clifton Collins Jr., and Morgan Freeman

Directed by Wally Pfister

Conceptually, Transcendence is probably one of the more interesting films I've seen as of late.  Will Caster (Johnny Depp) is the mastermind behind a sentient computer which he hopes will outpace the human race in terms of intelligence.  While Caster and his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) see potential in such technology, there are large swaths of people who fear such work will bring an end to humankind.  One such group -- R.I.F.T., or "Revolutionary Independence From Technology" -- goes to terroristic means in order to get their point across, and after a conference in which Will Caster touts his opinions, Will is shot by a RIFT member who then kills himself.  After a few days, it's discovered the bullet shot into Will was laced with plutonium, thus causing Will's bloodstream to be contaminated with radiation leaving him with less than a month to live.  Desperate for Will's dream about sentient technology not to die with him, Evelyn thinks up the idea to place Will's entire consciousness inside the computer he's developing so that his "spirit" will never die and his intelligence can continue making technological advances.  Unfortunately, things go a bit awry with this plan, creating a bit of havoc and a battle between man and machine.

I don't know about you, but I kind of dig that Terminator-esque Man v. Computer battle being set up. Unfortunately, first-time director Wally Pfister languidly paces the film so that we can't help but be bored by what we're seeing unfold.  It certainly doesn't help matters that Johnny Depp doesn't even appear to be awake -- if he can't be bothered being interested in what he's doing, how in the world are we going to care?  After a promising start, the flick written by first-time screenwriter Jack Paglen begins to unravel and its climactic moments fail to resonate despite the captivating premise.

It's possible that in more experienced hands Transcendence may have been a success, but as it stands now with first timers behind both the lens and the scripting with neither behind-the-scenes aspect able to convince the film's leading actor to appear alive onscreen, the flick falls flat.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger (2013)

Starring Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Helena Bonham Carter, Tom Wilkinson, Ruth Wilson, and William Fichtner

Directed by Gore Verbinski

The Lone Ranger isn't nearly as bad as its dismal box office numbers last summer would have you believe.  However, it's not very good either.  Director Gore Verbinski of Pirates of the Caribbean fame does know how to solidly lens an action scene and all of The Lone Ranger's souped-up special effects moments really excel, succeeding at not appearing the least bit computer-generated or post-produced.  For that, I give The Lone Ranger much credit.

Unfortunately, the film feels bloated and surprisingly empty on story considering its nearly 150-minute running time.  For a movie called The Lone Ranger, one would think that the title character would take top billing when it comes to story.  But seeing as how Johnny Depp is involved and isn't playing that title character, you know that scene-stealing has to take place on his part...and that's certainly the case here.  Depp is Tonto, the title character's trusty Native American sidekick who is quick with witty retorts and swami-like wisely sage advice.  No matter what he's saying, however, Depp decides to mumble his way through the words much like his Pirates of the Caribbean Captain Jack character only this time without the English accent and with less of a slurred/drunken vibe and more of a stilted/monotone one.

Unlike Depp, Armie Hammer actually has a presence that at least proves charming and watchable as John Reid (who later becomes The Lone Ranger).  His story about avenging some wrongs done to his family plays out in typical western fashion, but Hammer at least is somewhat captivating.  Unfortunately, the film pretends like it cares about him as a character, but really just wants us to place our attention on Tonto and that's just a premise I couldn't get behind.

Like I said above, Verbinski has lensed a nice looking film.  Unfortunately, the script does this one in.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows (2012)

Starring Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Bella Heathcote, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller, and Chloë Grace Moretz

Directed by Tim Burton

Edward Scissorhands.  Ed Wood.  Sleepy Hollow.  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  The Corpse Bride.  Sweeney Todd.  Alice in Wonderland.  With the exception of Sweeney Todd, the pairing of director Tim Burton with his acting stalwart Johnny Depp have almost gotten a bit worse with each progressive film.  While Dark Shadows can't quite compete with the abhorrent trip down the rabbit hole that was their last collaboration, this redo of a 1960s vampire soap opera doesn't quite gel.  I see potential around every corner with the director's latest work, but the odd mix of comedy and horror is never humorous nor scary enough to successfully satisfy the cinematic requirements of either genre.

With an appropriately creepy Gothic prologue, Burton starts things off with a perfectly morose tone.  Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) was the twentysomething son of a wealthy fishing family whose riches were enough to have a town named after them back in the late eighteenth century.  After seducing and then breaking up with the Collins' maid Angelique (Eva Green), it is discovered that the maid was in fact a witch who through her dark sorcery kills Barnabas' parents.  Some time passes and Barnabas falls for the lovely Josette (Bell Heathcote) much to the chagrin of the jealous Angelique who concocts another spell that both kills Josette and turns Barnabas into an immortal vampire whom she then locks in a coffin buried for eternity.

After those first ten minutes, I asked myself why this film had gotten such bad reviews upon its release earlier in the year.  This seemed like it was going to be a nice little creepy flick.  And that's when the tone shifted.  Barnabas' coffin is unearthed in the early 1970s and rather than focus on horror, the next ninety minutes are all about Barnabas being a fish out of water.  A tv?  It's a magic box that must be destroyed.  A McDonald's?  That must be the hang-out of Mephistopheles because of the big 'M' that adorns the sign.  It's not funny written down and it isn't any funnier in the film.  Ultimately, there's some plot about Barnabas needing to save his family's reputation.  Angelique has managed to live for these nearly two centuries and has pushed the Collins family out of the fishing industry in Collinswood by creating her own fishery.  Barnabas will stop at nothing to prevent the witch from casting his family name into the gutters.

The biggest problem here is simply that the film isn't funny.  I didn't laugh once despite Burton trying to balance both comedy and light horror elements.  The two pieces never fit together.  I'm not quite sure why Burton decided to go this route considering that the 60s soap opera was decidedly not comedic (at least in the dozen episodes or so I ventured to watch a few years ago) except to think that he felt it matched his quirky aesthetic a bit better.  Needless to say, he should have dropped the quirk.

Eva Green is the only actor in the cast who fully embraces the humorous aspects of the film.  While I still didn't laugh at anything her character said or did, Green at least attempts to breathe some life into the comedic moments.  Johnny Depp is sleepwalking through the whole thing -- he's not particularly bad, but he certainly brings nothing to the table.  The rest of the cast -- Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Chloë Moretz -- aren't given any particularly memorable moments so critiquing anything involving them would prove fruitless.

There was some potential in Dark Shadows, but I think Burton's direction (and admittedly the screenwriter's lack of focus on a particular genre) is the film's downfall.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Starring Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, and Ian McShane

Directed by Rob Marshall

After the absolutely dismal third chapter in the Pirates series, At World's End, it wasn't going to take much to make the fourth film better.  Fortunately, On Stranger Tides leaves the dankness and crazed mysticism aside (for the most part) and after an incredibly shaky opening hour during which at one point I turned to my brother and said "this is godawful and painful," the film actually becomes pretty entertaining and fulfills its mission of being a decent action-comedy.

As is the case with all of these Pirates films, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) manages to input himself into some scheme to gain access/control/possession of some mystical object -- in this case the Fountain of Youth -- and partakes in some double-crossing to get what he wants.  In this fourth film, the writers thankfully cast aside the dead weight of Keira Knightley's Elizabeth Swann and Orlando Bloom's Will Turner and place the focus solely on Jack Sparrow and his relationship with former partner-in-crime/"lover" Angelica (played gamely by Penelope Cruz).  Whereas in the past, I felt too much Jack Sparrow might wear thin, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that this may have been my favorite movie for Johnny Depp as Sparrow.  I genuinely liked his wordplay with Cruz's Angelica and found the duo quite appealing, bringing a sexy vibe to the flick that we haven't seen in the previous films.

While Depp and Cruz certainly helped elevate the film, for some reason, the writers felt the need to input some inane romance into the mix between two newly introduced characters -- "man of the cloth" Philip (Sam Claflin) and mermaid Serena (Astrid Berges-Frisby).  This forced love story by these one-note actors was so bland (particularly when placed against the witty lovey-dovey bickering between Depp and Cruz), it made Knightley and Bloom seem like amazing thespians.

Of course, without the mermaids in the mix, we wouldn't have been treated to what might possibly be the most exciting action sequence yet in a Pirates film.  The introduction of the mermaids about an hour into the movie kicked this movie into high gear and it never really stopped its momentum.  Prior to that, On Stranger Tides seemed like a lesser retread of the first Pirates flick, even going so far as to seemingly re-create the very first action sequence in that first movie when Sparrow fights Will Turner in his shop/warehouse, climbing up to the rafters amidst seemingly endless swordplay.  Honestly, this flick was kind of unbearable in the first hour simply because I couldn't help but feel like every single thing reeked of a "been there, done that" sensation.

In the end, it's kind of a shame that nearly half of the film doesn't work (and doesn't work so badly) because the half that does work is actually some of the best the Pirates series has to offer.  Yes, there are certainly problems that the writers will have to work out in the upcoming movies (for starters, there's no need to continue telling us about the love story between the religious man and the mermaid), but there's an excellent base to build off with the amusing connection between Depp and Cruz and I've got to say that despite the rating below, I'm actually looking forward to the next flick.

The RyMickey Rating:  C+

Movie Review - The Tourist

The Tourist (2010)

Starring Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, and Paul Bettany

Directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

While watching The Tourist, I kept thinking that it was very reminiscent of 1950s/60s romantic thrillers like the Cary Grant/Audrey Hepburn-starrer Charade.  That flick took place overseas in Paris, whereas this flick calls Venice, Italy, its home.  That earlier flick was sumptuous and rich-looking, as is The Tourist.  Charade had two big name stars, as does this one.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp is no Cary Grant and Angelina Jolie is no Audrey Hepburn...and together the two superstars lack any ounce of chemistry which is fundamentally vital to making this suspensor work.  It certainly doesn't help either of the two actors that the director (whose incredibly long name is listed above) never found a nice rhythm for the flick and the plodding nature bogged down the rather silly plot.

I could have lived with the silly plot, however, if there were any sparks onscreen between the two leads.  However, Jolie and Depp shockingly lack any ounce of charisma in their scenes together.  When Jolie's Elise first meets Depp's American tourist Frank on a train heading to Venice, I was expecting a moment where their eyes meet and a sparkle glimmers.  Instead, the duo is simply bland.

Elise is a woman on the run who meets Frank when her criminal boyfriend, Alexander, whom she hasn't seen in many months asks her to board the aforementioned train and find a man to "pretend" to be him.  This will create a decoy for both the British cops and the British gangster who are both following Elise to get to Alexander, allowing him time to get things settled before he sees her again.  Seeing as how Jolie's Elise is essentially seducing Depp's Frank into following her around the city of Venice, there was very little sensuality exhibited from the sex symbol.  And Depp (who I guess could be deemed a sex symbol as well) doesn't reciprocate any sensuality either.  The two simply don't work together and, to be quite honest, that is quite surprising.

While Depp and Jolie certainly shoulder a good chunk of the blame for the film not working, the director (helming his first American film) is also at fault for not getting good performances out of his two leads.  Add to that the fact that von Donnersmarck doesn't seem to have a keen sense as to how to correctly pace a film or a notion of how to create any semblance of excitement in action sequences and you've got a thriller that lacks thrills.  That this film was nominated for Best Comedy/Musical at the last Golden Globes shows how much of a sham those awards really are -- The Tourist is neither a comedy or musical nor is it any good.

The RyMickey Rating:  D

Movie Review - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)

Starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Geoffrey Rush, Bill Nighy, and Chow-Yun Fat

Directed by Gore Verbinski

And just like that, any goodwill the Pirates of the Caribbean series earned with the second film, Dead Man's Chest, is tossed aside thanks to the third film, At World's End.  All the fun and adventure that was present in the former is bogged down by darkness and dreariness in the latter.  Even if we were to put aside the storyline that is rife with innumerable and incomprehensible double crossings, At World's End doesn't even look good, awash in muted grays and blacks, monotone in its drabness -- there's nothing even visually appealing to latch onto.

At World's End picks up soon where Dead Man's Chest left off, continuing many of the same storylines revolving around pirates Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), and Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and their attempts to stave off the onslaughts of both the "evil" British Navy and man-fish hybrid Davy Jones (Bill Nighy).   Honestly, I can't even begin to detail what's actually happening in this flick.  Characters backstab others nearly every ten minutes, allegiances change at the drop of a hat, and no action occurs until the film's final forty minutes battle (after a never-ending talky two hours prior to that) during which it's near impossible to tell what's going on because every single person and every single ship looks exactly the same -- muddied and dank-looking.

Much moreso than in the past movies, mysticism and magic play a big role and it's not for the better.  By the end, the screenwriters abandoned any sense of cohesive story.  I'd even go so far as to say they threw up the middle finger to the viewers by abandoning all logic and essentially saying "screw you" to loyal fans.  In an attempt to feel very epic in scope and story, they just made a very uninteresting and unappealing conclusion to what was expected to be the final chapter of a trilogy.  Here's opening the fourth flick can revive a bit of adventure, excitement, and humor of the second flick.

The RyMickey Rating:  D

Movie Review - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

Starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgård, and Jack Davenport

Directed by Gore Verbinski

I realize this isn't necessarily popular opinion, but I think the second flick of the Pirates saga -- Dead Man's Chest -- is actually a fairly solid effort and better than the first film.  While Chest lacks the absurd humor and overall charm of Black Pearl, it more than makes up for that in its solid action scenes and more cohesive story.

Rather surprisingly, I couldn't help but think Johnny Depp's kooky Jack Sparrow got pushed a bit to the wayside in this one with Orlando Bloom taking on more of a leading role with his character of Will Turner finding himself fighting to free his father (Stellan Skarsgård) from a life of indentured servitude at the hands (or, more fittingly, claws) of Davy Jones (Bill Nighy), a half-man, half-tentacled sea creature.  That said, Sparrow certainly plays a key role in a film that pits nearly all of its main characters -- Jack, Will and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), and Davy Jones -- against one another in a quest to gain their respective freedoms (of which I'm not going to discuss seeing as how nearly everyone in the world other than me had seen this flick given that it's the fourth highest grossing film of all time).

For someone that didn't particularly like when the first film placed its focus on Will and Elizabeth, I greatly appreciated that Dead Man's Chest gave everyone a solid storyline instead of just Jack Sparrow.  If you're going to have three main characters, it's best to give all three something to do and this flick does that a lot better than Black Pearl. It also helps this film immensely that the action sequences are a bit better staged and we don't need the background set-up that is always present in the first movies of any series.  Granted, I can't help but think that director Gore Verbinski could have edited things down a bit (I didn't really need to see three Kraken attacks...two would have sufficed), but overall, this is a solid action film that fares a bit better than its predecessor.

The RyMickey Rating:  B

Movie Review - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Starring Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, Jack Davenport, and Jonathan Pryce

Directed by Gore Verbinski

There's nothing wrong per se with Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, but I can't help but feel that it lacks the fun and excitement of my favorite action-adventure films (like the Indiana Jones series or Romancing the Stone).  Sure, Johnny Depp created quite an iconic character in his Oscar-nominated constantly nonsensical Jack Sparrow.  His character and performance is certainly fun to watch, but the film feels interminably long at moments.  There's no need for this affair to go on for 135 minutes (which makes me wonder how the heck I'm going to make it through installments two and three which are even longer...yes, I've never seen them).

Unfortunately, it just feels like there's not a cohesive storyline throughout.  Sure, there's the overarching tale about Sparrow attempting to seek revenge against Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), a pirate who several years ago mutinously abandoned Sparrow on a deserted island taking Sparrow's ship and crew under his control. That alone would have been enough (and would have proven to be successful), but throwing in the wooden and dull star-crossed lovers Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) and Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) just bog down the proceedings.  I just couldn't get myself to care about either of these two young lovebirds and that's what hurts the film when compared to the mystical, magical, adventurous storyline revolving around Sparrow and Barbossa.

In the end, I'm probably sounding a bit harsher than I'd like.  The film is certainly amusing and a solid summer action picture.  It's just that with a little more trimming, it could have been a real classic.

The RyMickey Rating:  B-

The 2010 RyMickey Awards - Worst Performance

In 2009, I saw many, many bad films.  That's what happens when you watch over 200 flicks.  In 2010, I count myself lucky as I didn't see nearly as many bottom of the barrel movies.  That said, there were still a few performances that left me astonished that they ever made their way to the big screen.

Worst Performances of 2010

#5 -- Paz de la Huerta - Enter the Void

I really liked this trippy film mainly because of directorial choices...certainly not because of the acting.  Paz de la Huerta is painful.  (It should be noted that in the little bit I've seen from her in other things, her awful performance here is not a fluke.  I think she only gets hired because she seems to love being naked.)

#4 -- Johnny Depp - Alice in Wonderland

Yes, I get that Johnny Depp was playing the Mad Hatter as super crazy and drugged-out, but the character ends up being utterly incoherent and it seems like painful overacting.

#3 - Thandie Newton - For Colored Girls

I'm beginning to think that Thandie Newton is not the actress I once thought she was.  For some reason, I always thought I liked her, but looking back on her filmography, I realize that she always plays anger and frustration with this incredible screechiness that is so overpoweringly unbelievable that it ruins any scene she's in and hampers the actors around her.  In this flick where she's surrounded by some surprisingly good actors, she is unable to step up her game.

#2 - The Cast of the Expendables -- The Expendables

Excluding Jason Statham, this cast of geriatric action stars proved there is a reason they haven't been cast in many films lately.  Of course, the group is certainly hampered by an awful script courtesy of Sly Stallone, but it's not exactly like Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke (who is proving The Wrestler to be the exception rather than the norm in his oeuvre), Dolph Lundgren, et. al are up to the task of doing anything beyond holding a firearm.

#1 - Mark Wahlberg - The Other Guys

An honor I'm sure the actor-producer of The Fighter doesn't want on his mantle, but Mark Wahlberg and comedy do not mix.  Wahlberg's attempts at humor amounted to yelling at everything and opening up his eyes really wide to emote some type of anger and frustration.  Stick with drama, Marky Mark, because comedy is not your forte.

Movie Review - Rango

Rango (2011)

Featuring the voices of Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, and Bill Nighy

Directed by Gore Verbinski

Just because a western is animated doesn't mean it's going to change my opinion about the genre.  Westerns bore me immensely and they always seem like they contain some moralistic gruff hero tracking down some corrupt bad guy who wronged someone in a small town.  Rango's got the same vibe although the hero isn't gruff; rather the titular character is a literal and figurative chameleon, theatrically changing his characteristics to best suit his situation.  And while I may not dig the genre of Rango, it's a film that I very much admire for many reasons.

Reason 1:   Voice Acting -- I'm not one that gets won over when animated flicks pull in some big-name actor to voice a character.  If anything, that big star can be a detriment if I'm unable to disassociate their voice with their physical appearance.  In the title role, however, Johnny Depp is pretty fantastic.  Nowadays, bigger stars than Depp are hard to come by, but the actor's vocals are charmingly irreverent and  absolutely solid.  He embodies the character (or perhaps, vice-versa, the animators used his vocals to embody their character).  But it's not just Depp that's winning.  The British Isla Fisher tackles the quirky role of Beans, a spunky gal with an exaggerated Southern twang, with gusto.  Although Depp and Fisher are certainly the leads, the vocal talent is top notch across the board.  Together, the voices breathe life into the odd characters of the town of Dirt who are desperately trying to find out who stole the town's water supply.

Reason 2: Animation -- Richly detailed characters, a beautifully realized run-down setting, and wonderful effortless movements are three of the key reasons why Rango's animation is some of the best you'll see this side of Pixar.  Director Gore Verbinski (best known for his Pirates trilogy with Mr. Depp) cleverly filmed his voice actors working together (rather than the usual "animation separation" that occurs with voice actors recording separately in sound booths) while wearing makeshift costumes and utilizing flimsy props so that the animators could see various interactions and movements prior to animating.  This unique approach to animation showcased little mannerisms and facial expressions with astounding clarity and, for this animation buff, was a much appreciated aspect to the film.

Reason 3:  Aim for the Adults -- It's not that Rango is inappropriate for kids, but it doesn't aim for the young crowd at all.  The humor is based more from clever references to other films in both the western and crime genres with a nifty and rather hilarious "cameo appearance" (of sorts) from quite a famous actor.  However, because of this lofty goal of not stooping down to a "kid level" in terms of humor, the moments that did aim for the kiddies (including one too many fart jokes) made me cringe.

Despite these reasons to love Rango, in the end, it's a western and I just couldn't get completely enveloped by the story.  Yes, I fully realize that it's a bias in me, but I'm not sure I'll ever really fall head over heels for a western.  I will say that Rango's a flick that I'd like to watch again and perhaps upon second viewing, my rating will inch up a notch or two.  But still, as it stands now, this is one animated flick worthy of checking out.

The RyMickey Rating:  B

Movie Review - Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland 3D (2010)

Starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Anne Hathaway, Crispin Glover, and Mia Wasikowska

Directed by Tim Burton

With a complete lack of whimsy and a rather heavy-handed joyless approach, Tim Burton's re-telling of Alice in Wonderland is just a dull bore.   Thirteen years ago, young Alice "fell down the rabbit hole" and entered the zany Wonderland.  Now, as a nineteen-year-old girl on the verge of womanhood, Alice (a bland Mia Wasikowska) happens to fall down the hole again.  While in Wonderland, she is told by all that she's the land's savior -- for, you see, the evil Queen of Hearts (played with gusto by Helena Bonham Carter) has taken over everything, forcing her sister, The White Queen (Hathaway) to be exiled, and causing some to live in a state of fear.

Yes, the whole premise of any Alice in Wonderland story hinges on "the odd," but it also always has a sense of childhood playfulness.  Everything in Burton's film feels so heavy-handed.  With the exception of the humorously nasty Bonham Carter, every other character feels like they were told to be as blasé as possible.  Mia Wasikowska didn't even seem like she wanted to be there -- not an ounce of emotion.  And the less said about Anne Hathaway the better.

That being said, on the complete opposite side of the spectrum is Johnny Depp who was given free reign to do whatever he damn well pleased and his Mad Hatter is a wreck.  Yes, I get that Depp was playing him as über-crazy and drugged-out, but when your character is so utterly incoherent, it just seems like painful overacting.  And I realize it's just a minor point, but let's not even discuss the Mad Hatter's "dance" at the end of the film (which they had been teasing throughout the movie) -- what an awful scene.

Granted, I've never been a big fan of any Alice in Wonderland tale, but everything about Burton's version seemed so utterly dark and joyless.  If you wanted to go that route, go all-out depressing (or even veer into the horror genre or something).  As it stands now, Burton's version is a dud.

The RyMickey Rating: D

Movie Review - The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Starring Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits, Heath Ledger, Lily Cole, Verne Troyer, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell
Directed by Terry Gilliam

Without a doubt, this is one of the weirdest flicks of the year. Sometimes weird works (see here). Sometimes weird doesn't (see here). Parnassus falls into the latter category and I can't get back the two hours I spent with it.

The huge problem with the movie is that absolutely nothing that matters happens during the first hour. We are welcomed into the world of Dr. Parnassus (Plummer), an old "shaman-esque" guy who travels around in a gypsy wagon with his fifteen year-old daughter Valentina (Cole), her friend Anton, and midget Percy (Troyer). Together, they put on shows and pull people off the streets to venture into the mystic mirror where, on the other side, everyone's imaginations can become a reality. When traveling one night, the group finds a man hanging from the underside of a London bridge. The man (Ledger) seems to have lost his memory, but they enlist him to help them in their little magical street shows.

Of course, none of that is the crux of the story...despite the fact that it takes up over sixty minutes. The real story comes in hour two where we discover that Dr. Parnassus has made a deal with the devil (a genuinely creepy Tom Waits), and unless Parnassus can capture five souls before the devil does, the devil will get to steal Parnassus' daughter for his own.

The devil scheme is the real story...everything else is superfluous and unnecessary. The whole storyline with Ledger is extraneous. And it starts off quite uncomfortably. I'm actually quite shocked that our first glimpse of Ledger is of him hanging himself. Unfortunately, once you get past the initial shock, you realize that it's a shame this will be known as Ledger's last role...because he's really not very good here. He must've known he was in a flop.

When Ledger steps into the mirror, his visage changes into that of fellow actors Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell, all of whom do a much more entertaining job than Ledger. When that trio is onscreen, the film actually becomes a little more enjoyable. They're simply not there enough to make a dent in the boredom.

When Verne Troyer (of Austin Powers fame) is the most entertaining person onscreen for the majority of your film, your flick is in trouble (and, really, the only reason Troyer is a hoot is because they dress him in black-face and a wind-up monkey costume). This film is supposed to be fantastical and wondrous, but it's really just dreary and bleak.

The RyMickey Rating: D

Movie Review - Public Enemies (2009)

Starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, and Billy Crudup
Written by Ronan Bennett and Michael Mann & Ann Biderman
Directed by Michael Mann

I don't even know where to begin. There's hardly anything I liked about this movie.

The acting felt phoned in by all. Depp is notorious 1930s bank robber John Dillinger, and Bale is the government guy that wants to stop him. Cotillard is the annoying, irritating girlfriend of Dillinger, who, for some reason falls in love the bank robber despite the fact that the movie doesn't explain why. All three of these stars were bland beyond bland. While Depp and Bale were okay, Cotillard was awful (and she's the one with the Oscar!). Any scene between her and Depp made me want to fall asleep.

The movie is just so incredibly flat. Nothing really happens over 145 minutes. The final climax is a complete dud...and it drags on for an eternity. You would think that bank robbery scenes would be exciting, but every single robbery scene was shot in the same exact way by director Mann and his cinematographer, Dante Spinotti. Now, I don't usually call out anyone other than the director or the writer in my posts, but the cinematographer in this deserves a beating and Mann deserves one, too, for allowing this travesty to be shot this way on film. The modern-day handheld shooting may have been a "cool" juxtaposition against the 1930s story, but seemingly EVERY SINGLE SHOT is either (a) shaky or (b) an extreme close-up. I'd like to see whole faces to see facial expressions sometimes, not just an eye, folks!

Pretty much everything about this I hated...the musical score by Elliot Goldenthal was horrendous. The editing by Jeffrey Ford and Paul Rubell was heinous. The only thing that saves this movie from complete failure (yes, I hated it that much) is the stuff like the costuming, set design, and art direction. And even then, they were nothing special.

Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for this, but this is far and away the most disappointing flick of the summer for me. I've seen worse, but at least Year One knew how bad it was...at least I think it did (how can it not?). This one thought it was something special, but it disappointed me how awful it was.

The RyMickey Rating: D-