Movie Review - Stretch

Stretch (2014)

Starring Patrick Wilson, Chris Pine, Ed Helms, James Badge Dale, Brooklyn Decker, and Jessica Alba  

Directed by Joe Carnahan

***This film is currently streaming on Netflix***

Several years ago, I surprised myself by placing Crank: High Voltage on my list of the Best Films of 2009 and while Stretch doesn't reach that level, the similar balls-to-the-wall aesthetic is appreciated as director Joe Carnahan doesn't hold things back in crafting a weirdly enjoyable little action-comedy film that was tossed aside by a film studio that understandably wasn't quite sure how to market it.

Patrick Wilson is Stretch, a stretch limo driver down on his luck who has been told one morning he has until midnight to pay back his bookie for a gambling debt.  With his boss on his case, Stretch agrees to take a rich, eccentric client around town in hopes that a big tip will be coming his way.  Little does he realize that he's in for a wild night filled with oddities and danger.

Never taking itself seriously, Stretch is fun.  It lacks any purpose and sometimes wears a little thin, but thanks to a solid performance from Wilson (who's always good in pretty much whatever he's in) and a ridiculously over-the-top turn from Chris Pine as the billionaire playboy Stretch picks up, the film retains an enjoyable feeling throughout.  Attempts at creating a romance for Stretch are silly (particularly considering that the bulk of the film takes place over the course of twelve hours) and I'm still unsure whether I liked or disliked Ed Helms as the ghost conscience of Stretch who pops out of nowhere in many a scene, but Stretch is a weirdly pleasant diversion.

The RyMickey Rating:  C+

Movie Review - Escape from Planet Earth

Escape from Planet Earth (2013)

Featuring the voice talents of Brendan Fraser, Rob Corddry, Ricky Gervais, Jessica Alba, Sofia Vergara, Sarah Jessica Parker, George Lopez, Steve Zahn, Craig Robinson, Jane Lynch, and William Shatner 

Directed by Cal Bruker

***This film is currently streaming on Netflix***

Ultimately, the question you're asking yourself upon seeing this post is "Why in the heck did you bother with this one?"  And, ultimately, the only answer I can give is "Because it was short."  Admittedly, I was looking for something light and super irrelevant as it was late at night and I wasn't quite ready to sleep yet and, unfortunately, Escape from Planet Earth seemingly fit that criteria.

Rather than delve into any review, let me just say that Escape from Planet Earth is a film that should consider itself lucky to have received any type of theatrical release because despite a cast that boasts a few second tier celebrity names, there's really nothing this film has going for it.  The animation is standard Nickelodeon fare and the story about a pair of fighting brothers who find peace with each other coming together to escape from Earth (hence the title) after being captured by an Area 51 agent is also sophomoric.

Just why bother?  I made the mistake...now you don't have to do the same.

The RyMickey Rating:  D

Movie Review - Machete

Machete (2010)

Starring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Daryl Sabara, and Robert DeNiro

Directed by Ethan Maniquis and Robert Rodriguez

Having never seen the Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez flick Grindhouse which apparently contained a fake trailer that spawned Ethan Maniquis and Robert Rodriguez' Machete, there weren't really any expectations going into this movie.  In the end, the story probably just should have been content with the kooky fake trailer and left it at that because this homage to the B-movies of the 1970s overstays its welcome by about 45 minutes of its hour-and-forty-five-minute runtime.  

The broad story is ridiculously simple.  The titular character, an illegal Mexican immigrant (played by Danny Trejo), is hired by a shady guy (Lost's Jeff Fahey) to assassinate a Texas senator (Robert DeNiro) who happens to pride himself on his creatively unjust methods on keeping illegal immigrants out of the country.  Little does Machete know that he's simply being set up in order to make the senator (who is experiencing a sharp downtown in the polls) become more sympathetic to the voting public.  Somewhere along the line, Machete discovers this double-crossing and eventually meets up with a sexy US immigration officer (Jessica Alba) with whom he teams up with to defeat his enemies.

What works here is the violence...and there's certainly plenty of it.  Excessive to the extreme, it's in these moments of massive bloodletting where the humor and fun lie.  Taking no prisoners, Machete is a man who'll chop off peoples' heads without pausing for a second, and there's something grotesquely fun about watching ludicrous decapitations and profusely spewing blood.  It's when the film decides to bog itself down with dialog and attempts to present a "pro-illegal immigrant" stance where the film falls apart.  Yes, yes, I'm a republican, but I didn't hate this film for taking the other side of the issue.  I disliked the movie for taking that stance in a silly, unsubstantial way.  I'm certainly not turning to a film like Machete for political advice, but even the final showdown between the Mexicans and the Americans just felt disappointing and unsatisfying after such a lengthy, talky build-up.  (There was actually substantial talk about this issue when the film was released and I think most of the Republican bloggers were giving more weight to the issue than it was worth.  In the end, the movie presents the whole thing in a tongue in cheek way...although it certainly does paint a caricaturish image of Republican senators.)

The film initially starts out visually grainy, looking like a film that's been run through the projector one too many times.  It's rather unfortunate that Machete abandons that look after the first scene because it would have been a little more optically appealing.  That older look screamed "B-movie" and it would've made the horrible acting by the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba seem more like it was horrible for a reason as opposed to the fact that the two women just can't act.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - Valentine's Day (2010)

Valentine's Day (2010)

Starring Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez, Shirley Maclaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift

Directed by Garry Marshall 

It's not as if ensemble movies about love can't work.  One of my favorite movies of all time is Love, Actually, and that flick is all about an ensemble's quest for love.  However, with last year's He's Just Not That Into You and this year's Valentine's Day, the ensemble romantic comedy appears to be dead in the water.  While this 2010 flick fares a little better than its 2009 counterpart, one would think that with all the star power on display here, someone could craft a decent script.

I'm not even going to go into a summary here because (as is evidenced by the incredibly long "starring" list up above) there's just too many tangential stories to discuss.  And therein lies the problem.  Too many people with too many unnecessary tales.  Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner's high school romance -- I'd nix 'em since we've already got one youthful tale starring the charming Emma Roberts, but they're appealing to the youth.  Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper's meeting on a plane -- totally pointless, but Roberts is a huge star and Cooper's star wattage is on the rise.  Shirley Maclaine and Hector Elizondo's out-of-left-field reveal of a "bombshell secret" -- who gives a damn -- oh, that's right, we need to appeal to the grandparents.

That's the problem.  The movie just wants to hit every demographic and it fails because of that.   Any positive vibes that come from actors like Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Topher Grace, Julia Roberts and her niece Emma, and (shockingly) Ashton Kutcher and George Lopez just get washed away by a horrible script.  Not that I'm necessarily one to criticize on this front, but screenwriters need to learn to edit.

And the awful script is shot so incredibly poorly by director Garry Marshall that I laughed out loud because of some of his choices.  Hey, let's put some nuns in that scene.  Throw a sign-language interpreter in there.  Let's have a girl with cerebral palsy point and yell at Ashton Kutcher because he doesn't have shoes on.  Yes, I realize that last sentence might seem callous, but these "attempts at realism" just come across as preposterous.  It honestly seemed like he had family members that he wanted to put into the movie somehow and he was going to do whatever it took to make it happen.

If you want a great romantic ensemble movie, just do yourself a favor and go with Love, Actually.  Skip this one.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-