Movie Review - This Means War

This Means War (2012)

Starring Chris Pine, Tom Hardy, Reese Witherspoon, Chelsea Handler, Til Schweiger, and Angela Bassett 

Directed by McG

There's something innately appealing about the trio of Chris Pine, Reese Witherspoon, and Tom Hardy, but the charming nature of all three actors is utterly wasted in the horrendous action-"comedy" This Means War.  With some of the shoddiest writing of 2012 and direction by McG that's just plain sloppy, there's simply no reason to subject yourself to this paint-by-numbers flick.

Hardy and Pine are Tuck and FDR (yep, FDR), covert CIA agents who just completed a mission in which they succeeded in preventing "international criminal" Heinrich (Til Schweiger) from getting his hands on a weapon of mass destruction.  However, in the midst of the mission, they kill Heinrich's brother which sends the supervillain on a mission of his own to hunt down and kill the CIA duo.  

Of course, this story doesn't really matter.  While the film opens and ends with its focus on Heinrich, the middle 85 minutes barely mention his name.  Instead, we're treated to a purportedly hilarious love triangle in which Tuck and FDR try and woo Lauren (Witherspoon), a beautiful gal who, like all beautiful gals in movies, has given up on love.  Instead, she dances around her apartment singing late 80s/early 90s rap songs and chats it up with her obnoxious best friend Trish (Chelsea Handler playing herself) who wants nothing more than to live vicariously through any sexcapade into which Lauren can venture.  Through a series of fateful events, Lauren finds herself dating both Tuck and FDR at the same time, and while Lauren has no idea her two beaus know each other, the CIA duo employ all the technology at their disposal to make sure the other fails at succeeding [while at the same time not using that same state-of-art gadgetry to make sure Heinrich doesn't make good on his vow to enact revenge on them.]

Perhaps there's something here in terms of a story, but with dialog so horrible this blogger could have done better and direction so odd that at moments I wondered if I was watching an edited-for-tv version of a film, This Means War is a chore to watch.  It's a shame because Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon really do give this everything they have and there are some moments where their charming natures almost make certain scenes work, but they're really never given a chance with this dead on arrival junk. Tom Hardy is fine, but he's fared better in the past (and unfortunately I feel like I've been saying that a bit more than I'd like as of late) -- I'm simply not sure romantic comedy is a genre that suits him despite his effort here.

Quite simply, there's nothing about this movie that works.  The comedic moments never made me laugh.  The action scenes never provided a moment of tension.  The romance aspects never created steaminess.  When you fail in all three of the genres you're trying to place your movie into, you've got a mess on your hands and This Means War is a one of the biggest mishandled botches of 2012.

The RyMickey Rating:  D