Movie Review - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part II (2012)

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, and Michael Sheen

Directed by Bill Condon

From the opening scenes, I think I laughed more in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part II than I did in the entirety of this supposed comedy.  Unfortunately, I'm fairly certain I was supposed to take newly vampiric Bella (Kristen Stewart) taking down a mountain lion by chomping it in the throat fairly seriously.  As was I not to laugh at Bella getting angry that werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) has imprinted on her three day-old daughter Renesmee (thus bonding the two together for life) by spouting the words, "You nicknamed her Nessie!  You nicknamed her after the Lock Ness Monster?!?!"  Let's not even discuss the computer-digitized baby Renesmee giggling and touching her hand to her mother's cheek.  All this craziness happens within the film's first fifteen minutes!

I'd rather director Bill Condon had relished in the kookiness of vampire-werewolf relations as he did in Part 1 of this epic finale, but instead he's forced to tackle the conclusion of The Twilight Saga which deals with the Volturi headed by Aro (Michael Sheen) who want to kill Renesmee because they believe she is an immortal vampire child.  Vampire children are untrainable and thus will wreak havoc by making vampires more visible to humans in some way.  Therefore, for centuries the Volturi have been killing vampiric kids and murdering their parents who sired them.  However, Renesmee is not an immortal because she was born from vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) and now-vampire-but-formerly-human-and-human-when-she-gave-birth Bella.  Pretty much the entirety of the film is Edward, Bella, and the rest of the Cullen clan bringing together "witnesses" who can attest to the Volturi that Renesmee is not an immortal and thus causes no threat to their secretive civilization.  This assembly of fellow vampires may play like a Who's Who for the Twilight fans, but to this reviewer, he didn't understand why we were wasting so much time listening to these people talk about their problems as if they mattered in the grand scheme of the plot because they didn't in the slightest.

This all leads to the big standoff between the Volturi and the Cullen-led "witnesses" in which a lot of vampire's heads are decapitated (seriously, there's more disembodiments here than in any movie I've ever seen).  But, in the big surprise twist (and I'm gonna reveal it here because I have to discuss how ludicrous the finale is), the big showdown actually doesn't happen.  In fact, it was all playing out in the mind of Aro who was magically "touched" by one of the Cullen clan and was able to see the future which didn't pan out too well for his fellow Volturi.  Instead, Aro decides to quietly leave, therein creating perhaps one of the biggest letdowns in the history of movies.  Five movies and nearly ten hours of film lead to people walking away from each other rather than fighting for what they believe in.  You've got to be kidding me, right?  Come to find out, this whole fight scene was added just for the movie -- it wasn't even in the book.  What was the point of the books then?

Good Lord, what a horrible way to end a horrible cinematic series.  I won't even delve into criticizing Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattinson because I've done enough of that in previous reviews of the series (and, actually, they were their best in this two-part finale which isn't saying much).  What I don't understand at the end of this whole series is why these books became such a huge pop culture obsession.  I guess it's that "love triangle" aspect, but the screenplays of these movies lack any modicum of fun or excitement and the finale proved to end things on a huge sour note.  Thankfully, I won't ever need to venture near these movies ever again.

The RyMickey Rating:  D+

Previous Entries in the Series

Breaking Dawn - Part One -- C

Eclipse -- C-

New Moon -- D-

Twilight -- C-

I'm actually frightened by how highly I've rated the series as a whole...

Movie Review - Abduction

Abduction (2011)

Starring Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Alfred Molina, Jason Isaacs, Maria Bello, Michael Nyqvist, and Sigourney Weaver

Directed by John Singleton

I should have known that in the first scene when high school senior Nathan Harper (Taylor Lautner) and his two buddies get excited about going to the home opener of the Pittsburgh Pirates season that Abduction was going to be lacking in realism.  I mean, it's the Pirates...does anyone get excited about them?  Still, I told myself to suspend disbelief for a few more minutes and give what was one of the worst reviewed movies of 2011 a chance.  In the end, and I've used this criticism before, Abduction is a movie that I can't help but feel I could've written in my childhood "novel" writing days where dialog was cheesy, characters were ill-conceived, and plots were by-the-book.

I'm only familiar with Taylor Lautner from the Twilight films and I always thought that he was the strongest part of that series -- I confess that I was probably quite wrong in that assessment.  Lautner here is simply painful.  Mugging for the camera and overly mannered, he's the opposite of charming and charismatic.  Here, Lautner is Nathan, a typical high school senior.  When working on a research paper with his childhood friend Karen (Lily Collins), he comes across a picture of his four year-old self on an internet site for missing persons.  Just as he confronts his folks (Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello) about his discovery, their house is broken into by some foreign baddies and Nathan and Karen are forced to go on the run.

How a film so obvious and surprise-deficient managed to snag people like Maria Bello, Alfred Molina, and Sigourney Weaver to join the cast is beyond me.  None of those names are given anything to do here and it's completely obvious this was a "paycheck only" movie.  Lily Collins comes off as okay -- I'll reserve judgment on her until I see a bit more.  She's certainly attractive, but she isn't given a whole lot to do here and what she is given is mind-boggingly bland.

But the biggest problems with Abduction are the "star" Lautner whose faults I mentioned above and the director John Singleton who has done such a poor job crafting this movie that I have to think someone off the street could've done better.  Fight scenes are poorly choreographed and edited, transitions are abysmal, and Singleton fails to get a good performance from his lead.  To me, despite the simplicity of the plot, the fault with this movie lies squarely with Singleton who is to unable to bring anything to the table.  Abduction may not be the worst movie of the year as some may have called it, but it's certainly not any good.

The RyMickey Rating:  D

Movie Review - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part One

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part One (2011)

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner

Directed by Bill Condon

This is probably not a popular opinion, but I think Breaking Dawn - Part One is the best Twilight movie to come out yet.  However, don't let that praise fool you.  It's still a movie with one of the silliest concepts imaginable and this is the most foolish segment of the series yet.  However, there's part of me that feels like everyone knew they were dealing with utter ridiculousness and gave into the absurdity rather than trying to mask it.

For you see, the first part of the inexplicably divided Breaking Dawn starts off with the wedding of human Bella (Kristen Stewart) to vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and director Bill Condon wastes no time getting to the proceedings.  We get to visit with characters from past Twilight movies (including a forty-five second cameo from Anna Kendrick who steals the movie in her scene) and then we just jump right to the honeymoon on a private isle off the shores of Brazil.  Bella and Edward consummate their marriage which leaves Bella happy, but Edward upset because his uncontrollable animalistic tendencies rear their ugly head whilst in the midst of sex and he not only literally breaks the bedposts, but bruises his darling bride.  The two mope around the fancy honeymoon house because they're seemingly sexually incompatible for the time being -- Bella has yet to determine when she'll step over to the vampire side of things, you see.  All this is cheesy enough, but then Bella starts throwing up and she realizes that after fourteen days on the island and following a nice product placement for Tampex that she's late which must mean that she's pregnant.  Mere seconds after coming to that conclusion, she feels the baby kicking inside of her.  But wait!  Vampires and humans can't have babies together, can they?  And if they can, what the hell is growing inside Bella?  A vampire?  A human?  One thing is for certain -- whatever it is it's certainly going to be the palest baby ever to come out of a mother's womb if Bella and Edward's genes have anything to do with it.  All that and I didn't even mention the werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) whose fellow lycanthropes are fed up with vampires taking humans for brides -- hell, that's what the werewolves want!

The whole thing is utterly ridiculous with some of the most inane dialog around...but it's kinda fun.  I mean, even writing that ludicrous summary, I couldn't help but smile about the whole thing.  Sure, I'm sick and tired of the whole premise of this godawful series.  But at least in Breaking Dawn the stupid subplots about European vampires wanting to bring an end to the Cullen clan are brushed aside and the focus sits squarely on the insanely idiotic dynamic of human-vampire sexual relations.  Dare I say it, but Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson weren't as annoying as in past movies and I think new director Bill Condon actually managed to pull average performances out of them (which is more than I can say from past directors).  Condon also makes the film rather nice to look at and has a moderately deft hand at pacing the flick out...although in the grand scheme of things, I'm sure these two Breaking Dawn pictures could have easily been condensed into one without any problems at all.

The end credits scene alluded to the fact that the second film will shift focus to more of a battle between the Cullens and this aforementioned European vampire group headed by Michael Sheen...and this will inevitably bore me to no end.  But, Part One of Breaking Dawn surprisingly managed to hit that "so bad it became laughable" point that at least made the whole thing not as tedious to watch as the other movies in the series.

The RyMickey Rating:  C

Movie Review - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Starring Kristin Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Anna Kendrick

Directed by David Slade

To say that Eclipse is the best of the Twilight movies thus far isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.  The original fell into that "so bad it's good" category.  The film itself was awful, but with dialog like "hold on tight, spider monkey," you had to appreciate its sheer corniness.  Movie #2, New Moon, was just horrendous.  It had no story at all spread out over 130 minutes.

Eclipse at least moves beyond #2's "epic" struggle of young Bella (Stewart) choosing whether to be with pale but shiny vampire Edward (Pattinson) or hunky six-packed werewolf Jacob (Lautner).  Yes, Bella still needs to make a decision (what gal would want to hurt either of these two Adonis's feelings?), but the film at least moves on a little bit from the relationship drama.  Back in movie one, Edward was responsible for the death of some vampire and that vampire's girlfriend is now out for revenge.  She sets up a posse of sorts to avenge his death, but Edward's creepy family and Jacob's werewolf tribe join forces to save the angst-ridden Bella.

Since there actually is a story in this one, that's certainly a positive.  Director David Slade is the best director of the bunch so far.  There's some moderately enjoyable action sequences and he manages to pull out at least watchable performances from Stewart and Pattinson, although this duo is still an incredible bore to watch onscreen.  Lautner, once again, is the only one of the main trio who shows any amount of charisma.

The problem with this whole series is that screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg brings no life to any of these characters.  Granted, I'm sure that she's probably not working with much from the original source, but I'm utterly shocked that they decided to allow Rosenberg to write all of the flicks for this franchise.  Her dialog is ridiculously silly and she has no sense of dramatic tension.  All of her scenes involving Bella and Edward feel interminably long.  Considering that these are your film's two main characters, I should at least give a damn about them -- and I don't in the slightest.

In the end, this film will get the same rating as the first flick in the "saga."  That being said, this one's a better crafted film thanks to the director.  The first one's good for some laughs.

The RyMickey Rating:  C-

Movie Review - Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Starring Kristin Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner
Directed by Chris Weitz

My lord. I don't get this phenomenon at all.

I could maybe get it if there was actually a story to spread across this film's 130 minutes. At the end of the first Twilight (which I liked in a so bad it's good kind of way), dreary loner Bella (Kristin Stewart) has fallen in love with vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson). Everything seems fine. But, at the start of New Moon, Bella's celebrating a birthday which means she's aging and Edward isn't. She begs Edward to make her a vampire, but he won't. Additionally, since vampires don't age, Edward and his family must move away from their home, thus leaving Bella. Bella is devastated and turns to her best friend, Jacob, who, it turns out, is turning into a werewolf. And, of course, werewolves and vampires don't get along! As Bella and Jacob's relationship blossoms into something more than just a friendship, Edward comes back into her life...the decisions she must make! There's no story here...at least not a story that can sustain itself over the run of this movie. Whittle this down to 100 minutes and you may be okay.

I also don't understand that fascination with the actors. Robert Pattinson, paler than ever, is so one-note it's laughable. Fortunately, he's only in this movie for 20 minutes. Instead, we get to spend all our time with Kristin Stewart who, opposite from Pattinson who looks like he's hopped on meds, must have been denied her daily drug dosage because she seemed to be twitching nonstop in this movie. Stewart somehow manages to have no chemistry with either of her male costars...so congrats on that failure, Kristin! Unfortunately for Stewart, Taylor Lautner (while not a great actor by any means) shines next to the dullness of Stewart and Pattinson. Any scene that Lautner's in with these other two actors just makes them seem even worse by comparison. The real bright spots in this movie are the five minutes we get to spend with Bella's high school friends. The actors portraying them actually show some life and vigor and provide this dreary movie's few laughs. Make a movie about them and I'm there.

And I don't get why they got rid of the director of the first one because this new director, Chris Weitz, certainly didn't help move the story along. There are some really awful shots here, coupled with some really ridiculous looking CGI. He manages to never allow for any sort of tension across the film's lengthy running time. Even the final climactic scene where Edward fights some other vampires was just silly (my response while watching it -- "It's nice to see Lurch from the Addams Family still getting jobs...and who knew he could fight like that?").

So, I'd be happy to receive an explanation of why this series is loved by so many...because the movies certainly don't do these bestselling books any justice...or maybe they do and the books are just plain awful, too.

The RyMickey Rating: D-

Movie Review -- Twilight (2008)

NOTE: Although in the past I've lumped dvd reviews together, I've decided to flesh out some of these reviews for particularly spectacular or simply popular films.

Starring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

***Spoilers in this one***

I don't even know where to start with this one. This was by no means a good movie. There were so many things wrong with it that it was incredibly frustrating when I watched it.

But for some reason, I kinda sorta liked it.

And it wasn't because of the acting. Because the two leads lacked any type of charisma. Schoolgirl Stewart in particular was like a lump just sitting onscreen. Brooding vampire Pattinson started out awful, too, but he became slightly more appealing as an actor as the film progressed.

It wasn't because of the direction. I feel like I could've directed this thing better. There were scenes that were completely unnecessary. There were awkward pauses in dialogue. There were some horrifically awful shots in this thing -- one in particular that sticks in my craw is a scene where the camera pans around the two main characters in a circle, stops when it gets three-quarters of the way around, and then cuts to a shot looking at the characters straight on...um...you could have just continued that circular pan. And don't even get me started on the Matrix-ish slow motion and sped up action scenes (that baseball scene...unintentionally hilarious!). Fortunately, Hardwicke got kicked off of directing the sequel.

It wasn't because of the dialogue. With choice lines like "Hold on tight, spider monkey" and "Your scent is like a drug to me. It's like you're my own personal heroin," I was cracking up when I wasn't supposed to. And it wasn't just the dialogue...whole scenes were laughable. How about the scene where Bella drops an apple on the ground and Edward catches it with his foot and then kicks it up, catches it in his hand, and puts it on her plate? It was ridiculous when Tobey Maguire did that in Spiderman and it's still ridiculous here.

And it wasn't because of the silly ending where a rival vampire gets attracted to Bella's scent and follows her all the way from Washington to Arizona just to taste her sweet, sweet blood.

So, why the hell did I kinda sorta like this movie?

I honestly have no clue. Now, obviously this wasn't a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, and I honestly don't even think I can list off anything that I really liked about it.

But there was something weirdly appealing about the film...and I kinda sorta wanna see the sequel.

The RyMickey Rating: C-

Side Note: Can anyone explain to me the appeal of this Robert Pattinson guy?