Movie Review - Battleship

Battleship (2012)

Starring Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna, and Liam Neeson 

Directed by Peter Berg

Movies like Battleship make me wonder why I like the cinematic medium as much as I do.  When such dreck can be produced, mass-marketed, and proven successful (at least in the overseas territories), I have to question the taste level of our world as a whole.  There's nothing to like about this movie.  Nothing at all.  It's not like it's the worst thing ever created, but it's simply a waste of two hours that simply shouldn't exist.

It's as if the film was created solely using focus groups trying to determine what the mass populous likes in the broadest sense possible.

1. Tropical Settings -- Hawaii should work, so let's set this thing there.  Plus, it's surrounded by water and since our movie's name is Battleship that means we have to spend time on boats.
2. Military Men in Uniform -- Ladies love that, plus it implies "war" and that appeals to the men.
3. Sports Illustrated Models -- Brooklyn Decker fits the bill, trying her hardest to make you look anywhere other than her breasts. (FYI -- she doesn't succeed at that task.)
4. Aliens -- They've proven successful in terms of entertainment value in the past, so let's have some aliens come to earth...and they won't be friendly...but they won't be real nasty either...
5. War -- As mentioned in Point #2, let's have the military men go to war against the alien beings.  Men can relate to the machismo, while women can swoon over a guy like Taylor Kitsch who can save the day.  [Poor Mr. Kitsch -- after this and John Carter he's not a guy you can bet on for quality, that's for sure.]
6. Top 40 Music -- Can we just throw some urban singer in the movie since our cast is mostly caucasian?  We need to appeal across the boards here.  L.L. Cool J isn't available? Okay, Rihanna fits the bill.  Doesn't matter that she hasn't acted before and doesn't exude any charisma.  She's popular.  That's all that we need to worry about.
7. Sassy Side Characters -- See Point #6
8. Action, Action, Action! -- People like explosions.  People like gunfire.  People apparently like to watch a movie where the action sequences make no sense and are pieced together in the most ridiculous ways creating a sense of incoherence.
9. "Pearl Harbor" Romance -- Remember in Pearl Harbor how people loved that the first hour was filled with nothing but Kate Beckinsale flip-flopping between whether she liked Ben Affleck or Josh Hartnett?  People loved the fact that we held off seeing the action, right?  Let's not copy that exactly, but let's take forty minutes before anything happens.  Ms. Decker and Mr. Kitsch should be more than adequate to hold an audience's interest.
10. Gaming Culture -- We're a culture of gamers and while I know that tends to mean video gaming, why not go retro and create a movie around a game like Battleship?  Isn't that what focus groups were asking for when they said they liked gaming?

The problem with Battleship is simply that it takes too many basic concepts, throws them into the pot, and lets them simmer without allowing any cohesiveness to form.  Director Peter Berg has crafted his worst film yet by a mile.  Not only does he fail at creating decent action sequences, but his quiet character moments are laughable and painful to sit through.  Quite simply, there's no reason Battleship needed to be made and it's certainly a waste of time.

The RyMickey Rating:  D-